A prayer for your love…

“i pray you attract lovers romantic and platonic that never aim to manipulate or harm you, that never embarrass you, make you question your sanity, or abandon you when you need someone to hold your hand.”

I wish for you to attract the lovers you want and need in your life.

I hope for you to find people who revel in who you are and inspire you with who they are.

I want love for you, a love that encompasses every one of your flaws.

I pray for you to have the validation you deserve—you ARE just right.

I wish amazing kink and sex and physical gratification and touch as you desire upon you.

I desire for you to have support and caring, and sometimes—sometimes—tough love to help you overcome and grow.

I imagine for friends for you who tell you amazing things about yourself, enough to make you believe them.

I wish for you to find all of these people—these lovers, these friends, these passing strangers in your life, and mostly…

I wish for all of them to also be you.

Not sure where this came from, except from the heart today.

I wish all of this for all of you.

Epitaph by Merrit Malloy

When I die

Give what’s left of me away

To children

And old men that wait to die.

And if you need to cry,

Cry for your brother

Walking the street beside you.

And when you need me,

Put your arms

Around anyone

And give them

What you need to give to me.

I want to leave you something,

Something better

Than words

Or sounds.

Look for me

In the people I’ve known

Or loved,

And if you cannot give me away,

At least let me live on in your eyes

And not your mind.

You can love me most

By letting

Hands touch hands,

By letting bodies touch bodies,

And by letting go

Of children

That need to be free.

Love doesn’t die,

People do.

So, when all that’s left of me

Is love,

Give me away.

WHY DO THEY KEEP HAVING SEX WITH YOU IF THEY’RE NOT INTERESTED OR DON’T WANT THE RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT?

Picture this (adopts Sophia from Golden Girls voice): You’re attracted to someone. You think they’re funny, clever, witty, and that they embody all of the physical qualities that you like. You appear to share common interests and possess a similar outlook. After a date or few, you sleep together and feel as if there’s an amazing connection. A pattern emerges. After the initial burst of calls/texts/emails and off-the-chains sex, you’re in not-knowing-where-you-stand territory. But you’re still sleeping together.

One night, lying there in the afterglow of another good session, you tentatively ask what the score is. Or, you mention a forthcoming event that you’d like them to come to with you. You want to progress things, and there’s a niggling concern that they’re using you for sex, although you really don’t want to see it this way. Every time these thoughts creep in, you remind yourself of when you were laughing a few weeks ago. You remember the stuff they talked about doing with you (but have made no moves to), or when they said that they really enjoy your company. You reason that it’s pretty obvious that you’re crazy about them, so surely they’re not stringing you along?

You’re in the Justifying Zone, that slippery slope many people go to where they look for reasons to justify their initial emotional and sexual investment instead of saying “I’m out.” Turns out, you can have sex with someone and it not mean that you’re destined to be together forever and ever.

After posing the question, the atmosphere changes. They pull themselves onto their side and look at you. “I’m having a really good time you know, but let’s not ruin things. Let’s just go with the flow.” You suddenly feel exposed and vulnerable. “What do you mean?”, you ask hesitantly. “Well… I just don’t want you to get all serious on me because, to be honest, I’m not really looking for a relationship right now… Is that OK?”

Um, well, no, it’s not OK! But what the hell are you supposed to say when you’re lying there naked in a room that reeks of sex?
As I type these words, more than a few people out there are having sex with someone with who they have more than a casual interest. Unfortunately, that same person isn’t interested in them and/or a relationship.

In an ideal world, you’d like to think that shagging each other and even buffering it with hanging out, dinners, and some contact, would be an automatic precursor to a relationship. But, it’s not.

If someone is having sex with you and they’re not interested, or they don’t want to have a relationship, it’s because in their mind it’s a casual relationship. They may overvalue what they bring to the table, assuming that because they’re having a good time, that you’re grateful they’re breaking you off a piece.

It’s actually pretty ridiculous that someone who, for instance, has the cheek to tell you that they’re not interested, still wants to exchange bodily fluids. That they’d expect you to engage in all sorts of sexual acts. Why don’t they skip on down the road to someone else and leave you to put your time, energy and, um, bodily fluids elsewhere?

Unfortunately, there are more than a few people out there who like the idea of sleeping with someone who seems crazy about them and believes that the relationship is going somewhere. It’s an effed-up power trip. It also allows them to be uninhibited and let their real sexual self hang out because they don’t care. They feel as if they have no responsibilities and you’re just this sexual plaything. Yep, pretty damn degrading.

Not wanting a relationship but still sleeping with you while doing dating actions, messes with your head.

It looks like a relationship and in your mind, feels like a relationship, but it has the hallmarks, not the landmarks of a relationship (commitment, progression, balance, intimacy, and consistency, plus shared values, love, care, trust, and respect). It’s casual.

While some are upfront, others don’t say anything until they really have to. This is typically around the time when you want things to progress or are looking for clarification. They might kid themselves, insisting that they initially genuinely wanted a relationship, but at some point, they changed their mind. And didn’t give you a heads-up… This removed the opportunity for you to decide what you do or don’t want to participate in. It’s also a case of, why endanger the good time…and why create conflict. So they say nothing.

People who claim to have “changed their mind” but said nothing, weren’t genuinely in the market for something more.
On the flip side, so many people hear “I don’t want a relationship”, “I’m unavailable” or “I’m not interested/a jackass”. And they ignore it. Why? Because they focus on the action. They think, “Well we’re having sex, they still text me, and we have so much fun together, so obviously they do want a relationship.” No, they don’t. Actions and words must match. No match, no relationship.

So many people ask, “Why are they still having sex with me then?”
“Having” implies that you have nothing to do with it. Like you’re helpless to a shag machine and that you don’t have any say in what does and doesn’t happen. It’s as if you don’t need to read any hints because nudity’s involved.

You should be asking “Why are we still sleeping together if they have shown or communicated their disinterest? Why am I still there if they’ve shown or communicated that they don’t want the relationship that I’ve said I want?“

Answer this question and you can start stripping the illusions out of this involvement. You can take action that gives you back your power.

Some people will chance their arm. If they can get what they want, they’ll take it. It’s not cute, it’s not cool, and it’s actually disrespectful. This is why you shouldn’t use sexual involvement as a barometer for the relationship you want. Def-in-ite-ly not for what you perceive someone’s feelings to be! It also doesn’t matter if you want more. If they don’t and you continue to sleep with them, they assume you are on their terms.

Not only are sexual organs poor judges of character, but sex should never be used as a basis for working out what the hell is going on in your relationship.

If you’re defaulting to sex, it’s because the relationship is lacking on other fronts.
It’s very difficult to gauge someone’s true character and intent immediately. Time and experience demonstrate this. Avoid ‘negotiating’ with sex. Some folk would sell their mama for sex! At the very least, they’d sell you a big dream and a fake persona to get you into bed.

Bread Crumbs Look Like a Meal When You’re Starving

Breadcrumbing is a behaviour in which one person provides just enough energy, time, attention, affection, or affirming words to another person to supply some elements of being in a relationship. The other person, though, is left wanting.

I’ve seen breadcrumbing described as a form of manipulation, and I agree. I don’t think it’s always deliberate or maliciously done- but regardless of the motive, it’s hurtful.

Some signs of breadcrumbing:

They talk to you when they need something — whether that is support, sex, or they’re bored. But they are rarely available when you need them.They tell you how much you mean to them, but there is little follow-through in making plans.They’re inconsistent, and their words rarely match their actions. The conversations often centre around them, their interests, and their desires. The conversations are predominately sexual (though not negotiated to be that way). You feel bad about yourself after talking to them or spending time with them.

People who value you don’t treat you in a way that makes you feel less than or worthless. They make you feel too needy or too much while also feeling like you’re not good enough. They suddenly become interested in what you have to say and what you’re up to once you begin to distance yourself from them.

Bread crumbs look like a meal when you’re starving (when you’re lonely) — because you think it’s better than nothing. You tell yourself that being seen and being wanted some of the time is better than being completely invisible.

But do they really see you? Do they want you?

We all have times when we are busy and bogged down with life. When we withdraw and are out of emotional bandwidth to be there for others- that’s understandable, and hopefully, if someone in your life is going through this, they’ll communicate and tell you that’s what’s going on.

But repeating behaviors and a pattern of breadcrumbing speak to how they feel and think about you.

Society often tells us that being alone is shameful. If we don’t have a partner then we must not be loveable or have value. It creates feelings of being unwanted. But being alone is not the same as being lonely.

What if I told you that creating boundaries for how others treat you, communicating what your needs and desires are, and what you will and will not accept from someone allows you to make the space in your life for someone who truly wants that space. It creates room for someone who does want to see you and spend time with you. Someone who will value your energy, support, and love.

It might take time to find them. I wish I could tell you the places you could go where you would be guaranteed to meet people like this — I don’t have the answers. Until then, fill yourself up on things that make you feel good about yourself, create joy and bring you a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.

You are worth more than breadcrumbs. You deserve a whole fucking five-course meal.

Don’t settle for crumbs.

Don’t let someone treat you like you don’t matter.

Because you do.

You matter.

The Dark

I feel the dark trying to overtake me
Trying to steal the light I’m finding.
Those dark whispers aren’t all right.
They can’t be all right.

But what if some of them are?
What if those really mean ones are?

That I’ll always be alone?
That I’m too damaged?
That I have too much work to do?
That I’ll never be pretty enough?
Funny enough?
Experienced enough?
Thin enough?

I know I’m ill today.
I know I’m hungry and thirsty
But those are bad plans while
Everything is so upset.
I’m exhausted and sore
Body and heartsick.

And then the whispers louder.
Not lies, the truth.
Not some, but all.
That I’ll always be crying alone
Comforting myself
Being strong
All by myself
In the dark.

All alone.
As always.
In the dark.

The struggle is real..

I’m literally a walking contradiction, I’ve had to be fiercely independent from a young age which over the years has made me build up this gigantic wall and never allow myself to rely on another person emotionally, financially and in general life and happiness.

On the flip side of this, I’m extremely needy, I crave affection, intimacy and love, and to be cared for when I most need it, This is where the struggle begins, how do you open yourself up to receive these things that you desire when your head won’t let you.

This contradiction is the hardest when I consider the kind of relationship that I want, how can I give myself to someone in a dynamic, how can I turn off that switch in my head to fully trust that they have my best intentions, how can I let my guard down to let them take care of me, how can you be your your most vulnerable self when you’re so used to doing it all on your own.

The struggle!! 😤

Givers and Takers

There’s usually a giver and a taker in a relationship. But what does that mean? And if you’re a giver, we’ll tell you how to stop so you can be happy.


Sometimes, first impressions can fool us. We meet someone who we think is amazing, funny, and kind when they’re really self-centered and narcissistic. Sure, we may see small signs of a taker in a relationship, but we’re so charmed by them that we ignore those red flags.


Of course, what happens is we end up getting sucked into a one-sided, unhealthy relationship. As you can imagine, we’re talking from experience. It happens to the best of us. It’s another lesson to learn.


But, what’s important to recognize is if you are in this type of relationship, irrespective of whether you’re the giver or taker. Because either way, help yourself and get out of unhealthy relationships.


What is a taker in a relationship?


In a relationship, there should be a perfect balance between giving to the other person and taking from them. However, this rarely happens.


Usually, the relationship is lopsided where one person is more of the taker and the other is more of a giver. The taker gets the energy and emotional investment of the giver. 


For example, a taker will sit back and let the giver do all the work in the relationship. Whether it’s cooking, cleaning, or something else, the taker doesn’t see any problem with it. They will also probably let the giver buy them things and take advantage of them financially too.


The bottom line is this – the taker takes advantage of the giver. They are ridiculously selfish.


What is a giver in a relationship?


The giver is convinced that there are no limits in love, so they keep giving to the taker. Sometimes a giver makes their partner the centre of their world and reason for living. They think they are everything they want and need. But this is very unhealthy.


The giver will do anything for the taker. They think this is the way they should express their love. However, they get nothing in return from the taker. 


The bottom line is this – the giver is too selfless and gets taken advantage of by the taker. And they end up being a doormat. 


Givers and takers as a couple


When you give someone a gift, it’s usually expected that they give one in return, right? Just like on Christmas or another holiday where gift-giving is normal.


This is how a healthy relationship should be – an equal balance of giving and taking.


There are some people who are just givers by nature. In other words, giving to other people is just part of their personality and how they prefer the dynamics of a relationship to be. They like to give because it increases their self-esteem and makes them more positive. It makes them happy. 


While this might sound good, sometimes the takers or “receivers” might feel pressured to give because the giver is constantly doing favours for them. Normal people would feel that way, but takers usually don’t.


If the taker never reciprocates, then the giver can find themselves in a situation where many of their actions aren’t valued or recognized.


Everything they invest in the relationship – time, affection, and energy will never be returned. And after a while, they feel like they are being used and their self-esteem actually goes down as a result!


The important thing to remember is that all healthy relationships have a sense of reciprocity.


15 signs of a taker in a relationship


If you’re a taker, you may not see this as an unhealthy relationship, but it is. Don’t you want to be in an equal and loving partnership? Relationships aren’t about having someone slave over you.


And if you’re a giver, don’t you want to be loved and treated with respect?


This is your chance to see if you’re either one of these types of people, so you can work on yourself and become a better and whole person.


Isn’t that what life is all about? Becoming the best version of you? Yes, it’s cheesy, but these cliché lines have a point to them.



So, are you a giver or a taker? 


1. The taker needs support but never gives


The beautiful part of a relationship is that you have someone who will support you no matter what, and vice versa. But in a give/take relationship, the support is only one-way.


The taker will ask and demand support for their partner, but will not provide support to their partner. 


2. The taker always must make the first move


One of the partners is always the person to make plans. The other partner will either accept the plan or not but never make the plan themselves. And this is a problem. As a couple, both people should make and talk about plans. One person cannot be waiting to see what’s going on.


3. The giver is a maid


Yes, the giver is a maid. As a taker, the taking partner is not into cleaning up after themselves because they have someone who does their dirty work for them.


For givers, they want to


please their partners. Sadly, this means the giver will literally do their laundry, even clean their partner’s bathroom.


4. The giver pays for everything


If someone is a taker, they won’t take their wallet out and pay for a meal or movie tickets. Why would they?


Everything has been handed to them on a silver spoon. They’re spoiled and entitled. As a giver, this person will be the one who’ll go broke to make the other person happy. 


5. The giver is never doing enough


If you’re a giver, you’ll never do enough for a taker. You could fly to the moon and back; that still wouldn’t suffice. Givers are never recognized for their effort.


Instead, the taker will manipulate them, making them do even more and more. Obviously, the giver will burn out with time. 


6. There’s a lot of double texting


Is someone in your relationship double texting all the time? Either way, it’s not a good sign. Someone who double texts their partner frequently does so because they’re not getting an answer.


If you’re not replying or taking 


If you’re not replying or taking hours to reply to your partner, it’s one of the clearest signs of a taker in a relationship and you’re not giving much attention to the needs of your partner. 


7. The taker doesn’t show much affection


Why would they show affection? They’re not appreciative of what their partner is doing. Instead, they make their partner feel like a slave.


If the giver wants affection, they must come and ask for it. That being said, it doesn’t mean they’re going to get any.


8. The taker never initiates sex


Again, why would they? They get everything they want without lifting a finger. Sex is a chore for them. And if the taker feels horny, then they’ll come and get what they want. But it’s always on their terms, and they’re never up to talking about it. 


9. Date night is a burden for the giver


It could be you or your partner, but there is one giver who needs to make date plans. They research and arrange everything, while the other person sits back and waits to be served. One of the two people obviously has it a lot easier than the other. 


10. The giver’s needs are ignored


We all have needs, whether we’re in a relationship or not. But, when you get into a relationship, sometimes your needs are overlooked. It happens, and that’s when you talk about it with your partner.


But a taker has no intention to focus on the giver’s needs in the relationship. They only want the giver to focus on their needs.


11. The giver spoils their partner with lavish gifts


We don’t want to say it’s all of the giver’s fault, but they don’t make the situation easier on themselves. The giver shows their partner that they love them. They buy expensive gifts to surprise them. And of course, the taker likes it.


But, if the person receiving the gifts unhesitatingly accepts any gift but never reciprocates the same gesture, it’s usually one of the clear signs of a taker in a relationship.


12. The taker needs the spotlight


It’s all about them. As a giver, you may have an issue you want to talk about or even something to celebrate, but your partner won’t let you have that moment.


A taker needs constant attention and will make sure the conversation is always centered around them.


13. The taker will never go the extra mile


A giver will surprise their partner with unexpected gifts and remember the small things going on in their partner’s life.


But the taker will never go the extra mile. If they do, their partner will always be reminded of it. It’s not something the taker will do naturally; rather, it’s strategically done. 


14. The taker uses their partner


This is essentially what it all comes down to. A taker in a relationship will suck out and drain all the goodness from their giving partner until they’re no longer needed or until the giver puts their foot down. The taker is really only available to their partner when they need something from them.


15. The taker thinks they’re a giver


The taker actually thinks very highly of themselves and twists the truth around in their head. They believe they’re God’s gift to this earth.


They make sure everyone is under the impression that they’re giving and kind when really, they’re just selfish and conceited. 


How to stop being a giver in a relationship


If you are the giver in your relationship and you feel like you’re being taken advantage of by a taker, here are some things you can do to make things better.


1. Stop doing things for them


It sounds simple, and it actually is. If you’re the giver in the relationship, just stop doing things for the taker. Stop doing the laundry, making their lunch, or rubbing their feet. Just stop. There is no reason you have to do these things. 


Hopefully, once you stop doing everything for the taker, they will notice. They might even get angry in the beginning and accuse you of being lazy or selfish. Just point out that you are just mirroring their own behavior. Then ask how they like it. 


2. Set boundaries


Have a talk with yourself and write down how far you will go with doing something. Sure, you can’t stop cleaning the house or cooking dinner. But, you can start only cleaning your own mess and making your partner clean theirs.


You have to set boundaries with a taker in the relationship, or else your partner will just keep walking all over you because you have none at the moment. 


3. Be selfish


Being selfish isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it can be self-love sometimes. When you give and give and give, you are depriving yourself of receiving things that you deserve. 


So, you need to start being more selfish. Once you love yourself enough, you will realize that you not only will start enjoying life more, you will be a lot happier too.


4. Learn to say no


“No” – it’s such a small word. But it has powerful implications in our life. When your partner tells you to do something for them, just say no.


Require more of your partner. Start telling them what to do. Demand more of them.


One of two things will happen. Either they will do it after seeing things from your perspective, and you’ll be happier. Or they don’t, and then you might want to think about ending the relationship for your own sanity.


After looking at the signs of a giver and taker in a relationship, where do you see yourself on the spectrum? Where do you see your partner? Self-reflect and make changes if necessary.

Your Greatest Fan

When You are
Strong
Sick
Happy
Defeated
Content
Discouraged
Amused
Angered
Joyous
Fearful
Flirty
Disgusted
Loving
Tired
Romantic
Quiet
……………………….insert more here
I am your cheerleader. I will stand by your side to give you the things you need, the things you desire and crave. I will lift you up when you need help even when you won’t ask. I am your greatest fan!!

I Fucking Crave You…

Tell me..

‘I want you
I need you
I fucking crave you
I can’t wait to get my hands on you
I need to run my fingers in your hair
I need to show you
I need your mouth
I need to fill you
I need you to kneel for me
I need you to show me your submission
I need you, all of you

I fucking crave you’

Sometimes I need to hear it.

Two Way Street?

I see you…
The side you show the world
And the one you hide.
I feel
The high and
Yes those dark lows.
I accept the whole
As it is all
You.

Can You see
The side i show the world
And the one i hide?
Do You feel
The high and
Yes those dark lows?
Have you accepted the whole
Of this that is
me?

Whispers and Words

Whisper in my ear.

Tell me all the depraved things you want to do to me.

Tell me how you would use my body for your pleasure.
Send shivers down my spine.

Make my skin prickle with excitement.

My mind can’t help but immediately picture these things.

But not only do I see them. I feel them.
You have no idea what they fucking do to me.

Your words. Fuck.
Your words.

I can feel the heat radiate through my body,
Without even touching me you could make my eyes flutter.

Your WORDS have so much more power than you think.

They can topple empires.
Move mountains.

But most importantly.
They can make someone’s knees weak.

It Goes Both Ways

If she trusts you enough to be on her knees for you, you should be willing to do the same.

Your little slut. Your bitch. Your whore. She trusts and loves you so deeply that she lets all of herself go.

She releases and becomes nothing just to feel something and gives you complete control.

Take care of her. Bathe her. Rub her feet. Make sure she eats. Make sure she is healthy. Happy. Satisfied.

Everyone’s version of happy, satisfied, and healthy is different (obvs) but take care of your other.

I know that I say “she” but this applies to all or no genders and everything in between. Take care of your person. Don’t watch them slip away.

Listen

Listen to me.
Listen to the words I don’t say anymore.
See the words in my eyes, see the words written across my sad face.

Listen to me.
Listen to the feelings I don’t have anymore.
Miss the feelings that we don’t share, miss the feelings we can’t feel.

Listen to me.
Listen to the touch I don’t give anymore.
Feel the space and emptiness, feel the touch we no longer have.

See me.
See who I am.
See what I want.
See what I need.

Don’t keep me on mute.

Keep taking… until I have nothing left to give.

Take your pleasure.
Take my pain.
Take the kindness from my heart.

Take what you need.
What is it you need to be satiated?
I’ll give it to you.
What is it you need to feel full?
I’ll give it to you.

Do you notice that I’m running slower?
Do you notice that with each day that I give, my voice gets smaller?
That I am consuming less space than before?

But it is not only your fault.
It is mine as well.

I will not ask you to help fill my cup.
I will not ask you to satiate me.
I do not know how to ask for my own pleasure.
I do not want to take.

My whole life I have given my whole life.

When I meet someone who is willing to give.
I will not meet them like an old friend.
I will greet them like an alien.
Because you are foreign to me.

I don’t know how to act around you.
I don’t know how to respond to you.
You are foreign to me.

Subject

In the end that’s all I was wasn’t it?
Your subject.

The subject of some cruel experiment.

You toyed with me.
With my emotions.
With my obedience.
My willingness to please.

We were never partners in this.
You never considered me worthy.

You were the king,
And I was just… your subject.

It Hurts To Be Alive and Obsolete

Often when men are attracted to me, they feel ashamed and conceal it.

They act as if it were ridiculous. If they do become involved, they are still ashamed and may refuse to appear publicly with me. Their fear of mockery is enormous. There is no prestige attached to having sex with me.

If they find themselves attracted to me, they turn those feelings into hostility and put me down.

Listen to me! Think what it is like to have most of your life ahead and be told you are obsolete! Think what it is like to feel attraction, desire, affection towards others, to want to tell them about yourself, to feel that assumption on which self-respect is based, that you are worth something, and that if you like someone, surely he will be pleased to know that. To be, in other words, still a living woman, and to be told that every day that you are not a woman but a tired object that should disappear. That you are not a person but a joke. Well, I am a bitter joke.

I am bitter and frustrated and wasted, but don’t you pretend for a minute as you look at me, old, fat, and looking exactly my age, that I am not as alive as you are and that I do not suffer from the category into which you are forcing me.

When there is more than just You….

How do you know you are enough?
The moments left on read as he feeds the ego of another.

The moments you are alone while his hands caress another’s skin.

When you feel you may die of jealousy and heartache, at your cliffs edge he comes back.

How do you know if you should just let go? This wasn’t the path you chose knowingly.

The pain is like a stampede across your chest. Crushing the air from your lungs. The life from your eyes. The happiness from your soul.

He can be both your match and dementor. Draining the happiness in one fell swoop.

What should you do? What can you do when you are weakened by love?

How do you turn and run? Is that more strength than staying?

Your glow is fading as your self doubt and self worth fight you to stay alight.

The pain you feel, the tears you cry, the ache inside. Is it worth it? The moments of curling into the foetal position as the heartache washes over you, where you feel you may break to a thousands pieces. Where you wish for your emotions to stop- turn them off.

Maybe it’s time they should become more than Them….

I need him…

With every fibre,
My soul calls to him,
In I need him… moments alone
It’s always him.

Being apart cuts like a knife,
The insecurities scream each in delight.
I’m no longer the only one,
Overthinking is life, is it done?

I close my eyes and I can feel him here,
His hands grab at my flesh, wanting to tear.

Marking my flesh with passion and pain,
This love will burn an eternal flame.

My soul feels like it’s clawing to get out,
It wants to be with him, not without.

His eyes roam over others, his hands may touch their flesh,
But will his soul speak to them like ours do, what a mess.

The distance I’d travel, no question to ask,
Circumstance fails us, not my love.

Once again I have to ask, in these dark moments,
AM I ENOUGH. WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH?

Overthinking…

Insecurity creeps in. It’s in stealth mode. It’s upon you before any signs are given.
It over throws you. It’s strength greater than your own.

It tackles you to the ground. And it all turns to black.
You’re alone in a dark room. All your fears, jealousy and weaknesses are before you.

The sickening feeling overwhelms you again. The weight in your stomach pulls you under the waves and you are now drowning.

You fight for air. A moment of respite. Split second of calm.

The sobs wrack your body. You can’t control them. You have no control here. You can’t hold it together. You are broken before all.

Overthinking, overthinking, overthinking….

The cycle of my life. I will overthink each and every little thing no matter how minuscule. There’s no stop button.

I live the situations over and over in many different ways, always me on the back foot. Is it real or a figment of my overthinking imagination?

The more broken you become, the weaker you feel, you feel closer to something unexplainable.

As the pain starts to lessen you feel a wall building. A safety net is starting to weave around your soul.

Your inner being is protecting you. You are protecting yourself. Closing you off.

Until the next time……

I am but a mere human…

I am human. I have human emotions.

I am an empath. I feel things stronger than most. When you love me I feel like I’m drowning in that bliss, when you hurt and use me I feel like death is keeping me alive just to make me suffer more for him.

I wish there was an off button and if you find a way to stop feeling I will gladly do it. Walls can’t be built quick enough. Human weakness.

As a mere human I break. I break faster than most. It’s a flaw. It’s a weakness. I am full of those. It’s a tasty joint of ham for the wolves to descend in their sheep clothing. I fall for it every time.

Leave her and set free the beast…

Come to me…. Leave her behind. Crawl into my bed, and curl around my warm body. Feel me arch back into you. Let it stir past sensations. Let yourself grow big at the thought of me clenching tight around you, drinking every last drop you have.

Let me degrade myself for your pleasure in ways she can’t. Let me serve those darkest needs for you.
Let us share our darkest desires.

As the beast inside awakens to its preys scent. The shift is apparent. The tightening around my wrist as you flip me around.

We are now face to face.
Prey meets beasts.
The fear. Excitement. Adrenalin coursing through us.
You illicit that growl and my body quivers.

My body aches to be touched by you.
I whine and mewl.
I’m like a bitch in heat for your touch. For you.

I want you. I need you. Tell me you feel the same. Show me you do.

Let our love burn it all to the ground. Let it engulf us. Just for this moment at least. If that is all you can give me. Give me this moment.

Leave her behind…. Just for this moment.

…one of many…

He was cruel to her but covered it in sweet caressing words. He broke her heart over and over and blamed her for it each time. She gave herself and her love, for it to be used and then discarded time and again.

Her body used and enjoyed in the moment then once again a stranger in a crowd.

How many times could she glue the pieces back? How much longer could she survive this cruel love?

She woke the morning after, a smile once again in her heart. Flutters of love and joy. Sore from the toils of passion. Each ache made her smile.

She started her day with heart both breaking and fulfilled.

The clouds had started forming which should’ve been the omen needed to pre warn her of the pain he was yet again going to unleash on her. Each time she thought “this time is different”. A fool is what she was. His fool. His tool. His free ride.

As she flicked through her usual routine of checking the news and media. There it was. The pain. Black and white and for all to see her as the fool she was.

It would never be just her. She would never be enough. How many more tears could she spill. What more could she do to be enough. How her heart shredded as one of many. Her emotions played with like a toy. Her love used against her.

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return”- Eden Ahbez.

When love is one sided, one can describe it as a hellish feeling. Of having your soul dragged down by the hounds of hell themselves.

He fucked my soul how do you move on from that?

His shadows weave around me. His dark magic at work. Claiming me from the inside until I see no one but him. I am His now. I will always be His. In the years that will pass, the pain I will feel, I will always crawl back to him when he wants me. I will always wait for Him. He is a part of what makes my soul. I am not whole with out him. He carries a piece of me with him always.

How do you move on from that?

His Shame

Always being hidden. Like a secret that no one knows of.

Hiding in crevices and shadows. Always there to serve but never to be seen.

The shame is too much for anyone to know I exist. Is it the way I look? Is it how I speak? Maybe I don’t behave correctly. I’m unsure. All I know is, this is my place. The land of in between. Stuck. Held in place by a deep love, connection and devotion to Him.

Lonely, ashamed and unknown. No one knows of my existence. My love is not real to some. My love and devotion brings him shame if it is found. I am second best with an empty first place. The pain that grows from the poisoned soil, burns and weaves.

But I don’t want out. I don’t want to leave this place. For if I do, I lose him. That is worse than living in secret, in hiding, in his shame of me.

I don’t want to ruin any chance he has of happiness with the first place when they come along. But just for once in six years, I want to be first place. Just once. A message to ask how I am. Remember I am human. Remember that despite the crap I have been put through that I absolutely adore you. I want to help and do my part until my dismissal. Where I climb into the soil and make my bed with the darkness that will envelop my soul until the sun shines again and I am once again found.

Listen

Listen to me
Listen to the words I don’t say anymore
See the words in my eyes, see the words written across my sad face

Listen to me
Listen to the feelings I don’t have anymore
Miss the feelings that we don’t share, miss the feelings we can’t feel

Listen to me
Listen to the touch I don’t give anymore
Feel the space and emptiness, feel the touch we no longer have

See me
See who I am
See what I want
See what I need

Don’t keep me on mute

Strangers

So, that’s it? We’re back to being strangers. Pretending like the other person just never existed. Haunted by pictures hidden away in my camera roll. but you’re a stranger who I’ll always remember. I miss you. And it’s not like I’m angry at you because you don’t want me. Trust me. Being unwanted has become second nature. I’m angry because you pretended as you did. Like I mattered like I was someone special in your eyes like you could never forget me. You convinced me that you felt the same as me. The songs we shared, the odd sweet messages, laying in your arms, cuddling up close watching shows. Everything felt so perfect, so right. But that was never true at all. The other shoe just hadn’t dropped is all. But it’s not right. And it’s not fair.

I trusted you. Fell for it hook, line, and sinker. The first time you kissed me, I felt that spark. You opened up to me, telling me your darkest, most shocking of secrets. Did I run? No, I stayed, adapted. But when I confide mine in you, it’s like you couldn’t run away fast enough. Why couldn’t you have simply been honest from the start? Because I know I’m a lot. But I also know that I am never too much. And there were so many times where you made me feel that I was too much and not enough all at once.

Perhaps you tried. Or tried in the ways you could. But sometimes, trying means getting out of your comfort zone and meeting the other person where they are. Because I know that I did that for you. And I don’t know why I’m trying to convince you that I’m good enough for you because you’re gone and won’t be coming back. Maybe this is me trying to convince myself that I wasn’t at fault. But maybe I’m the one to blame, for replying to that first message, the “Hey…it’s been a long time…”, for agreeing to the date, for kissing you back. Because if I didn’t, we wouldn’t be here now. You, moving on and me, sitting at my desk hands cramping, trying to get all of these words down on paper before the thoughts betray me. Because yeah, I miss you. And I can’t stop missing you because I like you. And maybe my hope is that you will read this and reach out to me, rekindle that flame that I was so sure was there. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe where I saw a flame you saw nothing. And I know that I should move on. But it’s hard to move on when someone you knew, knew intimately, and seemed to mesh so well with just disappears off the face of the earth.

So I guess we are back to being strangers. But can you really ever be a stranger to someone you knew, in the ways that I knew you?

I’m Fucking Tired

I’m tired. I’m absolutely exhausted. And it’s not the kind of tired sleep can fix. No, this exhaustion runs deep into my soul, in my innermost being. This exhaustion goes beyond the physical. It’s mental, emotional, spiritual. It’s a lack of joy for life, a lack of interest in anything. It’s being completely worn down by the constant battle I fight every day inside my head. It’s feeling like giving up every second and wondering why I’m still trying. It’s the depletion of happiness from my life. It’s the suffocation of energy to do even the smallest of taste. It’s me putting whatever part of me is left into things that I don’t love and that doesn’t benefit me. It’s feeling so hopeless and worthless and alone. It’s the feeling of trying so hard and putting everything I have into something and it still not being enough. It’s the never-ending train of thoughts that runs its way through my head constantly. It’s the constant worry of it I have a purpose and why am I here? It’s the self-hatred I feel so strongly that makes me hate every part of myself. It’s the question of should I really wake up and do this all again tomorrow? Is it worth it? What is the point? Because right now I don’t see one. So yeah, I’m tired.

Beacons

You know that moment when you find someone you completely click with? That person who wants you to be happy, who pays attention to everything about you, who wants to see you grow? This person puts in effort, expects effort, reminds you to love the things about yourself that you normally have a hard time with, and makes you feel completely blissful. It’s hard to accept sometimes, when you’re in your dark places, to be yanked out into the sunlight.

The patience, understanding, love, and respect of boundaries it takes to bring light out of a dark abyss, while also containing just the right amount of darkness for you to thrive… it’s just 🥺.

It’s a slow process. One that takes time and extreme gingerness so that the skittish animal inside doesn’t retreat. One misstep and it’s back to square one.

And then, someone breaks through that shit and totally breaks down your walls and it’s intense and scary, but you’re seeing things more clearly, the haze that covered your eyes clears a bit day by day and you’re not so sensitive to the light. You welcome it.

If you have this with someone, give them a squeeze. They’re special.

If you don’t yet have it, don’t despair- it happens when you least expect it. I hope you find it, with all my heart.

I feel I have a few beacons of light in my darkness, and I feel lucky to have them.

They help me stay on course, away from the rocks that would destroy me. I hope I do the same for them. 🖤

Signs That The Person You’re Dating Is Lying To You

It’s hard to think clearly when it comes to the people we love. Our gut reaction is normally spot on. It can be completely derailed when we want to believe our significant other is telling the truth.

But people lie in relationships all the time, be they white lies, lies of omission, or elaborate fibs.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss, but if you really want to know if the person you’re with is being dishonest, here are 15 body and language indicators that will help tip you off.

Common wisdom says liars avoid making eye contact, but be wary if someone is trying too hard to hold your gaze.

Liars also purse their mouths – It’s a classic expression.

Liars tend to touch their face a lot (especially their nose) when they’re telling lies.

Shrugging shoulders, turning away, fidgeting, and crossing their arms are also all body language indicators that someone is lying.

If they stutter or hesitate while telling you their story, they’re most likely stalling or trying to come up with a good lie.

But a little hesitation is good if they’re recalling a memory — be wary if your significant other has a rehearsed answer to every question.

If they provide information without being asked, chances are they’re hiding something and are on the defensive.

Liars will also get really defensive when you confront them (innocent people usually go on the offensive).

Liars don’t use contractions: “I DID NOT go to the strip club last night!” or “I DID NOT have sexual relations with that woman!”.

Liars will answer your question with your exact wording, or with a different question. It’s another stalling technique.

They avoid saying “I” statements, too.

Liars often over-emphasize details in their story, even if it has nothing to do with the key issue.

They might even unconsciously place objects (book, coffee cup, laptop, etc.) between themselves and you.

Liars use verbal tip-offs repeatedly: “To be perfectly honest,” “To tell the truth,” “I swear on the bible,” etc.

If you’re suspicious, change the conversation abruptly. A liar will be relieved, while an innocent person will be confused.

Mediocre

https://afragilemind.home.blog/2022/01/02/mediocre/

#reblog from the above. #gofollow @

If only she was better
Then she’d be worthy of your hand
But as it is
It’s a basic bitch
Who will wear your wedding band