I Am More

The silence is deafening
Even the wind has hushed
No words spoken
No voices heard
What did I do?
Or was it that I didn’t?
I’m worth more
I deserve more
I AM MORE

What I am Not

• A fucking afterthought.
• A side piece.
• A person to use and abuse emotionally.
• A toy.
• A patient person (in regards to getting replies to texts).
• An idiot.
• Unobservant.
• A punching bag.
• An afterthought. I know I said that but it’s big.

Things I am

• A human being with real emotions, real thoughts, real dreams, real wants and needs.

• Intelligent.

• Clever.

• Creative.

• Caring and loving.

• Funny.

• A damn priority.

WORTH IT.

WITHOUT INTEGRITY IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS, WE CAN’T BE EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE

When we talk to people about their biggest struggles with relationships, an all too common complaint is struggling to deal with someone who is not willing to go the distance with intimacy and commitment.

Each time they feel as if they’re making progress, this person gradually or even very sharply rolls things back to what I call their ‘status quo’.

Imagine relationships on a scale of 0-10. The type of person who struggles with progression, balance, intimacy, commitment, and consistency – the landmarks of healthy relationships – wants to keep the relationship at 5. It’s like Goldilocks and The Three Bears: not too cold, not too hot, just right. “Just right” being right for their comfort zone not necessarily for their growth or that of the relationship.

As a result, someone who is afraid of intimacy and commitment will always manage the relationship back to their comfort zone.

Temperature ‘too high’ and not fitting with the perception of their self-worth? Cue lowering the temperature through sabotage and passive-aggressive behaviour. Things get ‘too good’ and ‘intimate’, they’ll undermine things in such a way that it gets back on their terms. Like when you meet their friends or go on an amazing holiday, and they pick or fight or disappear afterwards.

I told them to jog on? Cue them suddenly blowing hot and you feeling as if you’re approaching 8 or beyond. You think the fantasy is finally going to come true. And then gradually the relationship slides back down to 5. Like when you end it with someone who refused to commit or who mistreated you. Next thing, you’re experiencing an onslaught of effort and big declarations about the future. And then poof, you’re back to square one again.

The frustration in these situations unreal but also is the clue to our own liberation.

One of the single most significant changes that we can make to our relationship experiences as well as our self-esteem is to be more emotionally honest and to maintain our integrity.

When we’re in an unavailable relationship, we gradually lose our integrity. If we were truly being honest with ourselves (and them), we wouldn’t stick around in the relationship for as long as we have. Being someone whose actions and words match would matter too much to give it up. We wouldn’t say, “I need this and this and this” and then stick around when it’s clearly not there on the basis that we can see so much ‘potential’. We wouldn’t say that we’re “done” if certain things don’t happen and then stay anyway because we’re too afraid to honour ourselves.

How can we expect someone to be honest with us when they’re not even honest with themselves?

People who struggle with intimacy and commitment are so used to their habits, they sometimes don’t even recognise their own bullshit. This is human nature. We all have blind spots and bullshit created by our habits. For some it’s about how we show up in romantic relationships and for others, it’s at work or in friendships or with family.

Other people’s bullshit, however, especially our frustration with theirs, points to what needs addressing within us.

If we are not 1) being ourselves and 2) expressing our feelings and opinions, why do we expect the object of our affections and intentions to express themselves from a deeper emotional place? Wouldn’t that ask a great deal more of us than we’ve been willing to be and do? And it’s not a case of “You show me yours, and I’ll show you mine”. If we intend to be available and ourselves, that’s contingent on our actions, not what someone else does.

Sometimes we think that we will hurt a person’s feelings by being honest. Or we fear that we will endanger what we want or the relationship.

Unfortunately, from the moment we choose to keep our silence, to not be who we really are, we are doing far more damage than if we’d spoken/shown up.

I’ve been there myself. My takeaway message from earlier experiences in life and from speaking up in romantic relationships was, “Silence better, speaking bad”. That lie created far more problems for me than speaking up ever did.

I used to regard speaking up as something you do to get people to do what you want.

Hence, when things didn’t go my way, I reasoned that it was my honesty that ruined things. Not true. In truth, the longer it took for me to express myself honestly is the likelier a ‘negative reaction’. You can’t fester and avoid and then expect it to come out pretty and neat.

Me unleashing felt legitimate. After presenting their transgressions and my upset to them, I thought that they ‘should’ want to fix things, to apologise. We forget in these situations how we’ve had goodness knows how long to sit on these hurts and grievances. They, on the other hand, had a hot minute from when we decided to speak up. We reason that they did it so they ‘should’ know, but that’s an argument we use to avoid taking action. If we’re keeping our silence, we’re complicit in their self-deception. They’re sheltered from natural consequences.

For most, even when someone’s concern/grievance is legitimate, ego dictates that we initially feel shame, defensiveness and woundedness. I reasoned that because I had put up with so much that I was owed a better reaction. That, incidentally, is how all people pleasers think on some level. Turns out, it’s better to be honest rather than putting up with bullshit so that you can collect on the debt at a later date.

Sometimes we are so focused on getting the other party to be and do as we profess to need, want, and expect, that we lose sight of our own emotional and integrity compass.

We neglect to recognise where we are not stepping up for ourselves. We ignore where we’ve remained silent on things where we really need to speak our truth. This is where our anger grips us. When they don’t step up, and we’ve also lost ourselves along the way, it’s a double blow.

There’s the saying, “Water seeks its own level.”

If you want the relationship with mutual love, care, trust, and respect and you ultimately want a relationship with emotional availability, you need to be emotionally available yourself. You need to show up with some self-awareness and self-knowledge so that your values and self-care aren’t an afterthought.

That’s how you know whether you’re sharing a deep mutual connection – you still have a deep emotional connection to yourself.

When you’re in integrity, you’re not hiding from you or them. You also won’t keep trying to get something from someone who doesn’t want to share it with you wholeheartedly and honestly. Any experiences where the other party resists this won’t be seen as punishment for the past or a sign of you not being ‘good enough’ and instead will be treated as opportunities to grow further. To be more conscious, aware and present. You will seek out and vibrate with like-minded people instead.

Where to start with being honest?

Start by being honest with you. Admit what you don’t know. Admit what you do (but that you pretend that you don’t).

Be honest about what you need so that you can provide for it through your choices but also so that the other party can autonomously decide what they will or won’t do.

Make a list of your associations (memories, messages, perceived lessons) with honesty. Anything negative that’s coming up is the emotional charge that shows up each time you’re in the position of being vulnerable. You now know what you need to work through. Become conscious about differentiating between the past and the present so that the past doesn’t continue holding you back.

Speak up about the thing that you keep pushing down.

Speak up about the very thing that you’re terrified of.

Avoid using honesty to ‘get’ something. As honest as it might seem, a hidden agenda muddies the waters. Be honest because you want to be a better version of you and to have better relationships.

Whatever irritates you about others, use it to practice integrity with that very issue.

Make a conscious effort to feel your feelings instead of avoiding them. hat if your whole relationship, romantic or otherwise, is going to collapse because you spoke up or were yourself, the relationship isn’t what you think it is. Sound, healthy, intimate relationships don’t collapse over honesty or even a misfired word. Conflict, so the room to disagree and grow out of the experience, is a critical component of intimacy. In the end, if you want to be happier in and out of relationships, rather than fearing honesty, you welcome it.

To Be Yours

Alone, here – thinking, wanting, daydreaming…focused on you.

My mind filled with intense devotion…focused on you.

My thoughts slowed, reflections – you are with me everywhere.

It is intense this desire to serve, to connect, to just be.

This feeling you evoke…
The surrender calling to me..the need growing ever stronger.

As my heartbeats grow quicker, your grip grows more powerful.

Am I, Can I, Will I – ever be enough.
Fighting it, creating pain.
Surrendering, relaxing.

Your touch in my soul.
Your voice caressing my body.
Your grin creating tingles on my skin.
Your words in my heart.

Surrendering.
My focus shifted.
I give it to you – it was always yours to take.

What will you choose…am I to be or not to be…

Yours?

Used and Abused Heart

He just likes the attention you give but refuses to claim you as his.

You’re a warm body to waste time with. You gave him your heart and he squeezes it in his hand testing its tenderness.

Claim That Girl!!

If she saves your texts so that she can read them later when she misses you…claim that girl.

If she’s independent, strong minded, fiercely driven but still sweet with her words and touch…claim that girl.

If she has given to you all that you have asked of her, no questions asked…claim that girl.

If she has given you her mind, body and soul, surrendered her control, worn your marks with pride…OWN that girl.

Connecting, Craving

I believe in the connection of you and I.

My soul reflected in your eyes.
With teeth marks and lash patterns, you paint our story on my skin.

When you’re far, my nights break into pieces,
Fevered pitched, ravaged dreams tear me from sleep.

But with you close, ecstasy covers me in dreamland, floating.
A moment in your arms puts my soul at rest.

I want to be chosen

I want to be chosen.
Enthusiastically.
Emphatically.
Not begrudgingly strung along with.
Or picked up out of boredom or loneliness.
Or because there were no other real options as “she’ll do for now”.
Pick me because you want me.
Reallly want me.
Because you are bound certain sure I’m for you.
I am not an afterthought or backup.
I am a prize worth winning.
So be decisive.

When You Lie to an Intuitive Woman

Lying to an intuitive woman is like throwing a football at a dartboard and hoping it’ll stick.

She knows about your dishonesty.  She feels it in her blood; in the ether around her, and in the firefly racing around her brain. She doesn’t know what she knows but, by god, she knows.

Lying to protect an intuitive woman is like throwing darts at a basketball and hoping they won’t cause a puncture.  She might be silent in the face of your dishonesty, but in the core of her body, something will feel off-kilter.

In thinking there’s nothing to fix, you will render your relationship irresolvable.

She’s your partner, your lover, your friend, your mother. She’s every woman you’ve ever loved, and she’s spent a lifetime learning that people lie, but instincts do not.

She knows that her intuition is the product of a lifetime of observations, so every lie will carve out a trench between you.

When you defend your dishonesty to an intuitive woman, that trench becomes a canyon with her somewhere on the other side. You can’t love someone you can’t see, so she will feel as though she’s been talking to ghosts.

There’s no fulfilment to be found there, and no intimacy to speak of. If she has any value to you at all, tell her the truth before she grows tired of the distance.

If you don’t, she will leave just as those before her left. Don’t ask her for her reasons because that information is hidden behind your lies. She’ll leave because of everything you never said, every apology you never churned out, and every truth you ever hid.
She’ll leave because you shut the door.

Say something…

https://youtu.be/BmErRm-vApI

Says it all.

Say something, I’m giving up on you

I’ll be the one, if you want me to

Anywhere, I would’ve followed you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I’m giving up on you

I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you

Anywhere, I would’ve followed you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye

Say something, I’m giving up on you

And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you

And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh-oh, say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something, I’m giving up on you

Say something

The Longing For Something Lost

I breathe in deeply. Savouring the feeling. The moment to mark all moments has come.

Everything I endured in life finally makes sense. In that one realization, the acceptance in knowing that pours in. The willingness to finally let it all go.

I’ll exhale in a few seconds, I’ll exhale and just like that I’ll be forever changed.

I’ll emerge baptized by your touch, in the hands that cause such exquisite pain, such exquisite pleasure,
renewed
at peace
finally, finally
finally free,
and I’ll drop to my knees,
bask in the warmth of your care,
offering myself humbly,
because of who you are,
and who I will be,
and all the beautiful moments like this we create together.

But I wake up from this dream and you’re gone.

I breathe in deeply.
Savouring the memory, and memories of times like it, everything is so much different now.

It would be easy to lose myself in reminiscing.

I wish that I could go back to the moments I felt happy, when loneliness was just a word and not something that gripped my heart.

When it didn’t turn my dreams to nightmares, or have me listen to the clock tick by in the dark, counting the hours until morning- when the world finally wakes and I can have some company, besides the beating of my own heart.

My heart sounds so damn loud in the silence.
I’m tangled up in the bedsheets in my empty bed,
I reach out but no one is there to reach back, you’re not here.

Sometimes I feel so fragile,
breakable like glass,
but I know deep down I am so much stronger than I seem and in moments when it feels like the longing for you, and the ache inside my heart will be the end of me.

I remind myself of my strength,
that the sun will rise with a new day, and the loneliness I feel won’t last forever.

The longing I feel won’t last forever.
It just can’t.

It won’t…
nothing lasts forever.

Hurtful

Why do people choose to hurt others? Not in the hitting and bruising way, I know about that and that is intimate not hurtful.

In the emotional heart bruising way.

Why do they choose to do all the things that keep you hurt and stuck instead of the one thing that would let you go?

The way to move forward is with kindness not hideous humiliating silence.

Silence keeps it all going, keeps the mental conversation going round and round when all you want to do is smile and be nice.

To just know that everything is fine and no one dislikes anyone.

Everyone is worth a hug except me it would seem?

I think I am worth words and eyes?

How can you ever possibly be sure things are ok unless you see their face, see them smile and hear their warmth?

I am an adult and I want adult resolutions is that too much to ask for? – yes I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️
Please stop being hurtful.

I Love, Deeply

There’s not a sufficient combination of cosmological constants to quantify the feeling that I’m feeling.

Nor syllables and soliloquies that could be spoke by the human tongue to express what my mind is trying to fathom.

This gargantuan task of forming a relatively sensible understanding of YOU or what you do to me. I’ve never had this and I certainly don’t want to lose it, not ever, because what you are is made of star stuff, impossibly beautiful, elusive and the beginnings of my universe.

I’d move mountains and walk through the caves of giant’s just to show you there’s no obstacle, no force, that could keep me from you.

If only you actually cared. I know you don’t. I know that you see others.

My heart is so sad.

Do I ever say thank you?

Do I ever say thank you for fucking me so hard that I can’t even speak?
Do I ever tell how much I trust you to hurt me? Physically at least.

Do I ever tell you how much I love you and the kinky, sick, fucked-up things we do?

Do I ever say the words you want me to hear?

Of course I don’t, because you’ve fucked me too hard physically and mentally to speak.

And that’s your fault. Reciprocate a bit.

Please?

What you deserve

You deserve a man that doesn’t tear apart your body.

Or joke about it.
Or make little small statements and when you say wait, wait, that hurt me, they look confused, they call you crazy.

You deserve something better than that.

You deserve someone who asks how you are, how your day has been. Someone who puts in the effort you put in.

Even if you have forgotten.
Even if you don’t quite know.

Because darling,
My darling,
I’ve been there too. I’m there now.

And I know how those small comments – ‘your thighs are so jiggly!’ Or ‘I liked you better when you were younger’ Or ‘I think you’d look so great if you lost a few pounds.’ – how those can stick with us.

And sink into us.
And sink us.

Especially when some small corner of our heart believes them true,
And the person speaking is meant to be someone who is our friend or cares for us in some way.

Especially then.

So today, let me be the voice of someone who has felt those stings and lost herself and who has felt and still feels unworthy and less than.

Let me tell you this:

You are worthy of infinite kindness.
Your body is not the punchline of a joke.
Your shape is not deserving of criticism,
And you are not full of flaws.

You deserve love.
Real love.
Powerful love.
In a way that lifts you up, not tears you down.

You deserve that person who messages just to say hi because they were thinking of you and your smile. You deserve the person who wants you to text when they get home so you know they are okay. You deserve the person who checks in with you to see you are okay.

And you deserve it today.
Right now.
Always.
x

Your pleasure is my pleasure

My greatest pleasure is my partner’s pleasure.
Lots of people say this, I can’t assess their intentions and so I don’t know if they mean what I mean.

If I had to boil my kinks down, I’d say making my partner happy is my sole kink. There’s shit I like, sensations that are more fun than others, and a certain way I like being spoken to. But I promise you, hearing my partner moan or smile at me during sex gives me a high like no other.

Exploring someone’s body to find their sensitive parts and then watching them squirm makes me smile . My favourite part of having sex with a person is finding a way to bring them increased pleasure.

I’d argue I model myself after my partner’s preferences. It could be close to bimbos and being made into a caricature of my partner’s ideal toy. Maybe that’s why I love being “made into a sex toy” or being told my sole purpose is to please my partner.

It’s the act of providing pleasure to another person that really lights me up inside.

It goes farther than a sexual thing though. I adore people who have far more knowledge than me in different subjects.

A person’s passion; their knowledge; their ability to share that is wonderful.

I adore people who are passionate but even more so adore those who are knowledgeable. I should say it isn’t elitism, though a bit of ableism and classism probably exists there. I understand that formal education is a privilege and time to devote to your own betterment is also a privilege. I totally get that lots of people are exhausted from everyday life and working an insane number of hours that they do not have the physical, mental, or emotional capacity to engage with knowledge. I do not fault anyone for this. I’d also raise the point that knowledge of anything intrigues me. Friends who are parents tell me things about babies and shit and I love it!

Engineers talk about circuits, electricity, and even brick and mortar. I love hearing about people’s jobs and the intricacies that their work involves.

Anyways, knowledge is hot and if someone tells me about their interests then I will do research on them. I’ll try to get the basics so I can further understand them but also ask them questions with deeper meaning than just surface-level interest. I want to have conversations with them that excite them. I love to see them light up when sharing their enthusiasm for something. I try my best to be an engaged and interested listener.

I’ve found myself picking up skills and interests from different people in my life. I watch TV shows because someone else loves them, I’ve purchased books just to discuss an author with someone, I listen to a band’s entire discography to discuss the nuances between their albums, I’ve played games to watch my friends utterly destroy me. I’m moulded by other’s interests and choices.

That kind of sounds bad. Like I have no interests or passions of my own…

All this to say, I find myself moulded by other’s choices because I enjoy seeing them happy. People tend to find more pleasure in things when they’re shared with those they love, not everyone but most people I’ve encountered.

Would it surprise you if I said I found BDSM the same way? I pursued kink because I wanted to feel closer to someone and then here I am. Without them, still investing and learning about something I had little interest in before I met them.

Whatever it is, I show up as their fantasy. Something they want.
Does that mean I don’t show up as myself? I model myself solely on traits others will find attractive. I’ve pondered these questions plenty of times.

I like it when other people are happy. I derive pleasure from other people’s pleasure. Is that so wrong? I’d try anything twice to satisfy someone I care about. I’ll step outside of my comfort zone to see someone else smile. I’m moved to extreme acts of compassion for those around me.

I could listen to their increased breathing, the slight hitch in their throat, the soft pants or moans forever. I could feel their hips buck, their muscles tighten, their face flush, and feel satisfaction like no other.

My kink is being in the presence of someone else’s happiness. It’s their smile. Their voice raising when they’re caught up in thought. The intensity in their eyes. Their expertise on anything, even things I have an intimate knowledge of. I adore electricity that is exchanged between individuals even if I have no spark of my own to share. I love being trusted with a part of this person.

I will go out of my way to do things that bring someone else joy. I’ll stop at the store and pick up your favorite food item just because. I didn’t need to go to the store but for you, I’d go to a million. If someone says they’re hungry I take us out and I won’t eat. I wasn’t hungry but you were and I wanted to help you. I love making someone’s favorite food and giving it to them, especially when it’s a food I don’t eat. I like doing things to see other people be happy. But don’t get it twisted. It’s a selfish act. I do it because I love other people’s happiness. I do it because it brings me joy to see you be joyous.

I want to make someone laugh to hear their laughter, not because I’m trying to cheer them up. I derive pleasure from other people’s pleasure. And so, I seek out opportunities that bring pleasure to other people but for my own benefit.
I am terribly selfish.
I should highlight I have interests of my own.

There are topics I could talk about for hours. I have strong opinions on many things that are based on fact, and some based solely on emotion. I understand that I do not exist to please other people. I hope I’m a fully developed human being. Please do not be concerned about me, or if this writing alarmed you do not worry.

Focusing on your partner isn’t a bad thing. Focusing solely on your partner to avoid confronting your own feelings is bad. Co-dependency, or adjusting your behaviour based on your partner’s emotions because you think managing other people is your job is also not great.

Properly

If you use people and manipulate them in doing for you by exploiting their kindness and need need for love then you’re a fucking arsehole.

So many times I catch myself, giving to others (because that’s my nature and it makes me happy) but then there’s this understanding that some come to believe that I SHOULD give just because I have in the past or I have the means to do so…emotionally or otherwise.

I should have the right to give love freely and lift people’s spirits without having them feel that it is my duty to do so. When you are the one giving all the time and never being refilled, it’s hard to keep yourself (emotionally/mentally) strong for your own self. I have a bad habit of giving to others even when I don’t give to myself.

If I let you in, it’s not because I need you because, I stopped needing people a long time ago. It’s because I fucking want you, crave you…that devotion is the purest feeling of all. Do with it what you want.

I am the best version of me that there is to find. Daily I change, the stronger I become the stronger you need to be to earn my submission to you, but submit I will, to the right One. To the Right One, I will belong…EVERY FUCKING INCH OF ME….the insecurities, the strengths, the curves, the rolls, the sassy, the sweet, the warmth, the soul.

You invade this void in me filling it with devotion.

As you bring me to my knees
all my intentions fall to the floor
i am yours to do with as you desire.
Bound, I am free.

please don’t release me…

Why don’t you dig a little deeper
as you look into my eyes?
You shatter all that’s left inside?

We both know this feels right…

Can you hear me when I’m quiet?
Are you listening when I yell?

I am not a mistake! I am not a consolation prize!

I am not fill-in fluff when you’re lonely. I’m not a toy you can take out of a box when you’re bored and put back on the shelf until the next time you’re available.

I am THE fucking prize. I outshine the purest gold. If you want me and my submission, fucking earn me. Don’t expect me to fall at your feet just because.

I am deserving. Hear me.

Never settle for less than you deserve.

Think about what you consider the bare minimum to be and if you are truly content with that.

Also think about what you want him to do more of. Maybe to be more affectionate? Maybe to take you out to places ? Define what it is you want of the relationship and communicate with him. If he is dismissive and if he doesn’t try and understand even after telling him then maybe that’s a sign that he’s not the person you want to settle with.

In no particular order, just a few key things…

Respect.

Not putting pressure on someone to do things they don’t want to or can’t. Not having high demands and pressures on someone. Understanding they are their own person and have their own life and needs and wants. Sometimes accepting they won’t do things the way you want or may have different expectations.

Kindness.

Just being kind and caring. Being there for them in both the happy and sad times. Not judging. Not criticising. Just doing nice things because you want them to be happy.

Communication.

Being honest and open. Keeping in touch. This is different for everyone so doesn’t have to be daily texts, video calls or regular meetings. As long as both feel their communication is healthy. Replying and truly listening to the other person. Not blowing them off.

Similarity.

Some form of common interest, mindset or passions. Something usually draws two people together. They might seem like opposites in many areas but usually some thing like sense of humour or mind set keeps a good connection if it’s similar.

Stop Bending over Backwards.

Relationships are about each person giving 100 percent.  If you recognize you are the only one doing the giving, then this is a sign that your investment is not being honoured and may need to be given to someone who will value the effort to your commitment.

Require Quality Communication.

Accepting vague text messages and no phone calls will not encourage intimacy and won’t do anything to improve your love life. In person or phone contact is the only way to foster a caring connection. One needs in person cues and the tone of one’s voice to discern nuance with communication.

Make Sure Their Words and Actions Align.

You know you settled for less in your love life if you’ve accepted that your partner, doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. Integrity means being straightforward with no hidden agendas. For a foundation of trust to develop words must match behaviour. Anything less will make you doubt intensions and enabling this behaviour will erode your self worth.

Discuss What Hurts You.

If you do not make attempts to correct hurtful behaviours, then the other person is unaware they are hurting you. If you do make attempts to share your feelings and are unheard, then your feelings are not valued.  You have to decide to leave or stay because this is what you can expect in the future.

Because…

It’s okay if you’re the one who loves more and cares more, the one who’s always deeply in love and gets attached easily. Don’t you dare apologize for it.

Remember, it’s not your loss. But at the same time, you should never let yourself be in those situations again. Never ever settle for less.

You deserve so much better. You deserve so much happiness in this world. You deserve the love you keep trying to give to everyone.

You deserve to be loved by a man who has enough courage to meet your efforts and meet you halfway. You deserve someone who can give you the assurance you’ve always wanted to hear, who doesn’t make you second guess their love for you.

You deserve to be fought for by the man who’s brave enough to introduce you to his family, friends, and colleagues. No one deserves to be loved by a coward.

You deserve a man who is 100% sure about you. The man who will do anything just to prove his love to you and is always ready to take risks just to be with you.

You deserve to be with someone who will never put himself in a position to lose you. Darling, you deserve to be cared for. You deserve someone who will never ever take advantage of you.

If you’re lucky enough, you get to find a man who will love you more than you love him.

Someone who never gets tired of showing his love for you, someone who can’t resist talking to you after a fight.

You deserve someone who supports you on everything you want to do. Someone who’s willing to drown himself into the depths of your soul.

Someone who fully accepts all of you. Someone who enjoys your madness, and is always ready to hear your thoughts.

Someone who can calm you when you’re having a mental breakdown, someone who you can vent to about your family problems or your job.

Someone who you can cry on, not someone who will make you cry.

Someone who will never leave you when your demons, depression, and anxiety hits you.

Someone who listens and understands you.

You deserve someone you can be witty with, someone who can deal with with your jokes and sarcasm.  You deserve someone who will love you with every piece of his heart. 

We all deserve that kind of love. When you finally realize your self-worth, you’ll never allow yourself to be treated poorly again.

It’s not about how high your standards are, because if a man wants you enough, he’ll prove it. Half-love isn’t love — either it’s all or nothing. 

Will you please stop with the games and be that someone?

Yours

No matter what you do.
No matter where our paths may go.
No matter what may happen.
No matter where our thoughts may lead us.
No matter who might accompany us on this crazy ride.
My day will always start and end with you.
With US.

A perfect paring of two uniquely crafted fine wines.

You are my person.
My world.

You own me.

Though you’re much more than just that.

I am yours.

Anytime and Always.

A Letter

I wish I knew the way you feel about me. I care so much about you, but I constantly question my feelings. I know that we have had our bad times, but you and I both know there is an important reason why we keep being brought back together. We just need to figure that out together.

Most people, when they say they are in love, usually mean that they love the thought of one person, but I really love everything about you. I love your beautiful eyes and that little twinkle in them.

I love the way you make me feel special. I love making you feel special.

The point of this letter is to let you know how I feel and to say that I wish I knew how you feel about me. Well I do and I don’t.

Do you care about me, at all? In any way?

It doesn’t matter. You are wanted in whatever context you will have me.

Yes I know I want more. I know I will not get more. When a person shows you how they feel or don’t- believe them.

It doesn’t matter. That’s what I am reduced to.

I really wished you cared enough to try. Regardless, I care about you and have done for years. That never changes.

Never Be

I’ll never be the escort you love to stare at and sext.

I’ll never be that porn star you wish you were fucking.

I’m never gonna be that size 10 Barbie that catches your eye.

What I will be is the one who accepts you, flaws and all.

I’ll be the one who is there for you during great times as well as troubling times.

I’ll be your partner and best friend.

The one you can always count on.

Just give us an opportunity.

All

I’m in love with you but that’s not important.

I keep giving you all of me. Begging you to just like me.

My heart is breaking.
My soul is neglected I’m in love with you.
Last breath screaming.

I love you.

I’m in love with you.
But you couldn’t care less.

Fierce

I don’t love casually.

When I do love it’s fierce, its my soul ripped open and raw. Its my whole heart on display. It’s all I have and everything I know, handed over to you like a gift.

I hope you unwrap it gently and treat it kindly.

I Loved You

I loved you without cause, or reason, or doubt.

I loved you to the edge of what my soul could endure and then I loved you just a little bit more.

I loved you beyond measure, beyond hope and beyond all sense of rationality.

I loved you until the light had gone, until the years had gone and until my tears had all but drowned me.

I loved you until it ruined me; like an ancient temple I stood, abandoned and forgotten before finally caving under the sheer weight of time. And in the end it changed nothing – all that love…

For here I was, dying for you until my spirit was weary.

And there you were, living your life.

Blissfully unaware.

Talk to Me

I respect a man who is vocal.

Tell me why you’re into me.

Tell me why i pissed you off and tell me how i can fix it.

Tell me everything. Talk.

Talk to me, I want to hear your voice.

Talk to me.

I want to know who you are and what you’re thinking of.

Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me.

How To Tell If You’re Being Used In A Relationship

It can be really tough to tell when you’re being used in a relationship. Not only are there multiple ways to be used — financially, sexually, or emotionally, for example — there also tends to be a lot of deceit and manipulation involved, all at varying degrees.

On the less destructive — but still problematic — end of the spectrum, [a partner might be using you] to avoid loneliness.  They might start a relationship with you in order to fill a gap in their life, to find sexual fulfillment, or to alleviate a financial burden, without realizing that they’re being toxic and unfair.

These are called “convenienceships” because your partner is using you to meet a need without the intention of investing further or giving back. If the scales are always tipping in their favour, chances are you have a user on your hands.

In any case, “using” connotes dishonesty and manipulation — and that can really take a toll. The deceit factor causes significant mental and emotional harm.

When you realize or know that a partner has been using you, it’s normal to feel sad, upset, and angry. Using another person is absolutely disrespectful, and it never feels good to be disrespected — especially by someone who you thought liked or cared for you.

Here are 11 signs your partner may be using you as well as how to fix the problem.

1. They Show Signs Of Disinterest

If someone maintains a relationship with you, while also showing little to no interest in your everyday life, take it as a sign something’s up.  Most often when someone is using another they will show signs of disinterest in conversations, in the other’s activities of choice, and in their likes and dislikes.

It might seem like your partner isn’t fully listening when you speak or they might constantly forget to ask how you feel, even while claiming to care.

2. They’re Suddenly Super Nice When They Want Something

While they may seem distant and disinterested most of the time, a partner who is using you will likely come on strong when they want something. They’ll switch from being checked out to super nice — and then will ask a favour soon after.

Now, that’s not to say that a partner who asks for help is automatically a “user.” There isn’t anything wrong with lifting someone you love out of a financial bind, taking over one of their chores when they’re busy, or making a greater effort in the relationship when they’re going through a tough time. Doing these things is a sign of love and support.

It’s only a problem if there’s a consistent habit of not caring, and then pretending like they do because they want something. If you feel like you’re giving more than you’re getting and you struggle to feel like you’re cared for in a way that elicits a sense of balance, safety, and trust, something is awry in the connection and should be addressed.

3. They Have Weirdly High Expectations

If your partner is using you, they might have very high expectations when it comes to your achievements — but not because they’re cheering you on or rooting for you to achieve your goals. Rather, they’re invested because they’re concerned about what you can do for them. 

4. You Feel Uneasy Around Them

Your body can tell you a lot about someone’s intentions, so pay attention to how you feel whenever you talk to or hang out with your partner. Do you get jittery? Do you tense up? Do you feel angry for seemingly no reason? Physical and emotional reactions like these might be a sign your partner doesn’t have your best interests at heart, even if you can’t put a finger on why.

5. They Cross Your Boundaries

If your body is reacting negatively, it might be because your partner pushes past your boundaries. So pay attention to moments where they cross the line, both big and small.

You can learn a lot about someone by the way they respond to your boundaries.  A person who is in a relationship with someone because they like you will usually respond to boundaries with ease and understanding, even if it takes them a minute sometimes.

If your partner is being extractive or “using,” the opposite will be true. They’ll likely get really angry and push back against your boundaries, instead of adjusting their behaviour as they’ve been asked to. In other words, they won’t be respectful.

6. The Relationship Feels Lopsided

If you’re feeling used, consider the balance of your partnership. A partner who is using you will generally have a lopsided, inequitable approach in the relationship.  This can manifest in financial, emotional, and physical ways. It might feel like you’re always the one to pay for things, to plan things, to buy gifts, and do chores — and they never seem to meet you halfway. If your partner seems unwilling to return the favour, or unexcited to give back, chances are they’re using you on some level.

7. They’re Entitled

Similarly, you’ll notice that they don’t seem to feel bad for taking, taking, taking — and never giving back. In fact, they might even find a way to make you feel like you “owe” them something. People who are users often feel entitled to give nothing or ‘get’ more than they give.

8. They’ve Created A Sense Of Resentment

With all the favours, the guilt-tripping, and the outlandish requests, you may notice that you start experiencing some form of resentment.  This won’t be the case in a balanced relationship where everyone’s needs are being equally met. If you’re genuinely being used, you’ll start to feel like a dried-up well.

When a partner tends to engage only for superficial reasons — a desire for sex, to fill a loneliness void, or to have a companion for an event — you’re being undervalued and under-appreciated.

9. The Relationship Never Grows

If your partner claims they want a relationship, but doesn’t seem interested in actually committing, take note. A user won’t want to move the relationship past the early stage where they get everything they want — sex, attention, someone to hang out with — without any of the commitment or responsibility.

And there could be any number of reasons for this. We are a culture that prioritizes being in a couple and sometimes people want that feeling more than they actually want to be with the actual person.  For someone being used, this can really take a toll emotionally because a person might feel like they are not good enough, that they are not high enough priority for someone, that they can be easily taken advantage of, and question their overall sense of worthiness.

If you want more out of the relationship, don’t wait for ages for them to decide. A relationship in which someone is being used is really not a relationship.  For a relationship to flourish both people need the space and ability to grow and that won’t happen if one person is being used.

10. They Get Defensive

If a partner is acting a bit lopsided accidentally, you’ll notice that calling them out results in an apology and different habits going forward. But if someone is using you on purpose, you’ll likely notice that they get defensive and argumentative the moment you point it out.

Instead of being willing to talk about finances, or your sex life, or outside friendships, they’ll shut the conversation down. And that is not OK. If a person in a relationship is not willing to listen to the other person’s concerns and work towards a mutually satisfying solution, it may be time to evaluate your situation and see if this relationship is beneficial.”

11. They Act Different Behind Closed Doors

If you find yourself wondering, “Am I being used?” you should also look at how your significant other behaves in private. Users can often be tremendously charismatic and their appealing qualities can make it hard to see what’s really going on.  However, partners who use others tend to give themselves away through serial red flags that share a common theme of being self-entitled.

You might notice, for instance, that they drop the act of being nice behind closed doors or after they do one nice thing. A partner who is using you will often have a sense of indifference.  A lack of investment in your thoughts, feelings, and needs is often a sign that you’re being used — and not being given the consideration and respect you deserve.

Again, it’s so easy to get swept up in a relationship like this, since users have a way of rationalizing and excusing their behaviours. But by taking a step back, you will begin to be able to see that manipulation and self-absorption at work.

What To Do If Your Partner Is Using You

Let’s say some of these red flags stand out and it seems like your partner is using you. The first thing you should do, if it feels safe, is have that conversation where you explain the imbalances you’ve noticed and how they affect you.

Address the issue directly and respectfully.  

If your partner doesn’t step up and make a change, or seems completely disinterested in your feelings, that’s when you’ll know you’re with a true, malicious user — someone who won’t ever apologize and change. At that point, the wisest option is generally to cut your losses and move forward with self-respect.

I Dream

I dream of soft kisses and stolen moments.
Those lingering quiet caresses.
Sensing every minute motion of your hand.
Anticipating the next destination.

I dream of teasingly cultivating barely contained desire.
Till the flames burn brightly in your eyes and the need to consume my flesh overwhelms.
Losing yourself to the impending feast.

I dream of dropping to my knees for the reception of the sacred communion.
My mouth invoking such impure prayers.
Swallowing as you release your devotions.

I dream of sweet hard fucking and unrelenting intensity.
And tears borne of forced ecstasy.
The consumation many times over.
Burrowing yourself into me in every way.

I dream of you.

Bare Minimum

They leave your texts on read.


They always respond with, “Oh sorry, I fell asleep,” no matter what time of day it is.


They only hit you up to hang out at the last minute.


They’re barely putting in any effort, they would hardly qualify for a participation trophy.

Does this sound familiar?


What it means?

Bare minimum-ing someone means exactly what it says: you’re only giving them the bare minimum of yourself.  The bare minimum of your time, effort, attention, commitment, and emotions. It’s offering the least possible amount of yourself that is needed in order to keep the other person interested.

Because my good dating experiences are few and far between, when I meet a guy who simply texts me back — who gives me the bare minimum — I’m immediately singing his praises.

But that’s stupid.

Sometimes, we settle for less than what we want and we accept the bare minimum. We resign ourselves and say, “Oh, this person isn’t that bad.”

Yeah, but they’re not that good, either.

Common courtesy and human decency are not characteristics that should be exceeding our expectations — they should be the bare minimum requirements. The “you must be this tall to ride this ride” regulations.

If you’re not looking for anything serious or long-term, then the bare minimum is just fine. It serves its purpose. But if you’re looking for a real relationship — the bare minimum just isn’t going to cut it.

Eventually, you’ll grow tired of feeling undervalued by your partner. You might end up resenting the fact that they don’t treat you how you deserve — and you deserve more than someone’s minimal effort.

How to know if someone is giving you the bare minimum?

Once your emotions get entangled and involved, it muddies the waters and it’s hard to recognize when someone is stringing you along.

Here are some signs to look for that might indicate someone is only giving you their minimum viable product — and not the whole deal.

They communicate irregularly.

They don’t commit to plans.


Everything is always last-minute, or they blow you off with language like, “Let me see how this week goes first,” or “I’ll get back to you and let you know.” Sometimes these are legitimate responses if they do follow up and do end up making plans. Other times, this is just their way of keeping their options open.


These are kinds of excuses rather than saying the truth: No, I don’t want to hang out with you, but I also don’t want you to totally disappear out of my life and I want to keep you around as a future option.

They never initiate anything.


Any time you hang out or do anything together, it’s last minute and not out out.  A date in the bedroom?

You’ve never met their friends.


This one is tricky, because some people are really protective of their friends and their family, and they like to save the introductions for when they know they’re with the right person and the relationship is more serious.


However . . 


If you’ve been consistently dating for a decent amount of time, say, six to eight months, I would hope that you’ve met at least one friend — even if it’s only a brief, “Hello, how are you?”

They don’t ask you questions.


When you do talk, it’s mostly them talking about themselves or their life. They don’t ask you questions because getting to know you is the furthest thing from their mind. They aren’t thinking about you, and they certainly aren’t interested in getting to know you. They’re not there for you — they’re there for them and to meet their own needs.


The talking constantly or the silent listener — don’t ask questions and don’t make the effort to get to know you. They just show up for the dates and checked the attendance box.

You don’t really talk at all.


Going along with not asking questions is when you don’t really talk at all. When you spend time together, it’s mostly just watching Netflix, going to the movies, or hooking up.


If there’s little to no conversation when you hang out and your relationship is purely physical, there’s a chance the other person is bare minimum-ing you.

Ban the bare minimum.

On the flip side, have the maturity to recognize when you’re bare minimum-ing someone else and remove yourself from the situation — especially if that person really likes you and is really invested. It’s not nice to lead someone on. I’m sure you can remember the last time someone you cared for did it to you. It probably didn’t make you feel so great.

This checklist isn’t comprehensive and it’s not a guarantee, but any time I’ve noticed any of these things in my relationships, it’s been a red flag that inevitably comes up again later and causes problems.

Be ready to recognize the signs early and call your partner out if you think they’re not committed to the relationship. It could save you a lot of hassle in the long run.

Damn You

You’ve ruined my nights. I wake in the small hours, my mind filled with swirling disoriented thoughts of you, your hands, your body. All crushing me, filling me, hurting and rebuilding me.

Anticipation, lust, dread, desire overwhelming my sleep. My body is hot and unfulfilled and I can’t sleep.

Is this the torture started already? Destroying my sleep, my mind, my body so when we meet I’m already wrecked because of you? You already control me? Are you this good?

Or is this me, destroying myself. Killing myself slowly with lustful greed and impatience to have you on me, in me, controlling me?

I don’t know. But it’s because of you, this slow descent, this abandoning, these sleepless nights.
Damn you.
Thank you.

Been Here…

Been here
Done some
Not all
That calls to me.
Yet,
The fear still can be daunting
Can I be enough?
Are my expectations reasonable?
Am I giving too much trust
That has not been earned?
Does he
Trust me?
I have to remind myself
That i am human
And will make mistakes.
The important thing is
To continue to strive
Communicate
And learn.
Surround self with
Those who have
What is desired.
Ask questions…
Take classes…
Trust ones gut.
And it’s ok to say sorry…
When applicable.
This is a lifestyle
And that means
Learning from life.
You are as I am
Enough…
Even while learning!

That Thing….

I have ‘that thing’ where I don’t initiate and do not like initiating contact particularly because I fear rejection, I assume that if you wanted to talk to me, you’d call or text, so if you are not doing either of those things, it must mean you don’t want to talk to me.

I might call at a bad time or when you’re busy with friends and it ‘feels’ rejecting when you are ‘too busy’ to chat and have to ‘get back to me.’ Or when there is absolutely no response, I feel like a fly that’s just been swatted.

Now I admit that I have some heavy baggage and that this is FAR from the only way to interpret silence from the other end. It could be so many other things.

Its putting my enthusiasm out there for you I guess. Does my accessibility for you because devalue me in your eyes – if there was/is any value to begin with?

Is my want for you and for consistency boring to you? Likely.

If I did not contact you – would I ever hear from you?

You said you wanted to carry on as we are and see whats there. If there is little interaction how is that possible?