It Hurts

Abandonment is one of the hardest things we can ever face in our lives. Being abandoned is worse than anything I’ve faced in my life thus far.

There are so many unanswered questions. There is so much of me that questions my worth and how I can truly have meant anything to this person.

Relationships and dynamics don’t always work out, that’s understandable. What I find hard is losing someone in such a final way.

It’s like they’ve died and left no body.

He’ll no longer open my messages.
The most beautiful messages.
I’m not even worth that anymore.
Nothingness.

I’ve felt unstable, psycho, panicked, and wrong more times than I can remember. I’m not unstable. I’m not a ‘psycho’…

I’m just guilty of asking to be treated like a human being.
That’s what I deserve, what we all deserve.

The cycle of being ignored until I’ve become overwhelmed and then they’ve answered because I’ve broken down and blamed me is something I’ve never, ever faced in my life before.

It’s a different kind of pain.

And yes, I have control over that. But it’s not always that easy when you’ve shared such an intense bond with someone. I’m soft hearted.

He showered me with time and affection when we first met. It was too much for me having been alone for such a long time. But I learnt to love again.

Someone who now can’t even have a conversation with me. It breaks my heart.

I was battling with suicidal thoughts earlier in the year I wouldnt bother looking to him for support, there would be none. Likely just a smirk.

I couldn’t get anything right.
Even needing help and support, was wrong.
It was mind twisting.

I don’t even know who he is anymore and I’ve been left in a heap to deal with that as he moves forward and it hurts. How can someone have so much contempt for another? So much anger and hatred?

How do people move on so quickly after such a deep seated bond? Did it ever mean anything to them? Did I? Did we?

All I ever did was fall in love with him.
There are so many unanswered questions.

So many.

Mixed signals? Do Yourself a favour and take that as a “No.”

Not because it is a “No.” I mean, it might be (quite likely), but I’m not going to pretend to read someone else’s mind.

Because when people are throwing mixed signals, it’s a sign of something.

Perhaps:

They don’t know what they want.
They are trying to manipulate you.
They are crappy communicators.
And, in a case like that, it might be worth asking a question that would have a direct answer, see if they can give it to you, and then move forward accordingly.

Not for them.

For you.

You deserve to know what’s going on. Where you stand. You deserve good communication.

And when you don’t get these things, it’s self-preservation to opt-out (at least for the time being) and find other people to give your time and attention to.

Those who return the favour. Those who do not give mixed signals.

I Miss Intimacy

I miss an arm brushing against mine, a gentle kiss planted on my forehead, my body pressed against yours, tenderly, yet asking for more without a word needing to part with my lips.
I miss the urge. The signals that are sent from my brain to every sensitive spot on my body. The places I crave to be touched, loved and devoured. By you.

I miss conversation, trust, openness. I miss feeling accepted and understood. I miss feeling a part of, you.
I miss looking forward to seeing you, hearing from you.
I miss it. I always will.
I miss being a part of and believing in something bigger than myself.

It’s Great Until It Isn’t

Falling in love is an exhilarating and thrilling experience. While it gives you butterflies, it may not always go the way you have envisioned it to be.

Not every relationship is constructive, and sometimes, you may realize, often too late, that you are not his priority and are just being used by him.

In the course of your relationship, you may try your best to make him happy, but you find out that it’s somehow never enough. Fortunately, there are some telltale indicators to help you figure out if he’s actually into you or just using you to satisfy his own needs.

This post brings you 20 signs that he’s using you and what to do if it’s the case.

20 Signs He’s Using You

You have just started settling into the relationship, but something feels off to you, and you don’t know why. In these times, take a step back and see the bigger picture. Some of these warning signs that a guy is just using you might be right in front of you.

1. He closes himself off

He doesn’t open up to you. You want to give him the benefit of the doubt and suppose that he’s just shy. But, as days pass, you never really get to know about his plans or his friends or his life. He doesn’t seem like he wants to share anything with you. There is a communication gap as he never expresses his strong feelings. He might often come across as angry or upset, but he won’t tell you why.

2. Your conversations are lackluster

Stimulating conversations that continue late into the night can help you understand him on a deeper level. But it doesn’t happen with your partner. He talks to you about sports, the weather, and politics, but you catch yourself looking for something more meaningful and personal. You find yourself revealing more and more about your life in the hope of getting the same insights, but it feels like he’s not into it. If he can’t have an honest conversation with you and voice out relationship concerns actively, then the bottom line is you should reconsider this relationship.

3. He doesn’t care about how you feel

He seems distant and cold. If he doesn’t get you, then he isn’t the one, and you can be sure about that. An innate understanding is necessary to build an intimate and meaningful relationship. It is the little details that count, and it is important to know about your partner to make things work in the long term, after the initial interest has faded.

4. You haven’t met anyone he knows

If your significant other introduces you to his friends, it is a sign that he is serious about you and wants a future with you. But, somehow, if you have been together for a couple of months, and he hasn’t still introduced you to his circle of friends, and you know very little about his personal life, it is a major red flag.

5. He has issues discussing commitment

Finding ways to avoid discussing commitment with you is a sure sign a man is just using you. Being scared of commitment or not wanting something serious is normal, but refusing to discuss it definitely means that he has an ulterior motive and is just leading you on. If you are not looking for something casual, get out of the relationship as soon as possible.

6. He expects too many favours

Does he always need something from you? And do you always end up picking up the bill? If so, he’s definitely not in love with you. He might say he loves you, but actions always speak louder than words. If he always asks favours from you, or if you feel you are the one doing things to make him happy and he doesn’t reciprocate, he might be in the relationship only to fulfill his personal needs.

7. He is reluctant to compromise

The reluctance to compromise is one of the most evident warning signs you’ll ever get. Whether it is work or personal life, his needs come first over yours, and he treats you like an option instead of a priority. He’s always busy, you don’t really go on any real dates together, and he gets upset if you ask for anything. These are worrying signs. A person will always make time for you and put your needs first to make you happy if they truly care about you.

8. He is selfish in the bedroom

Every relationship requires a balance. If you feel he’s just having sex and not making love to you or there’s no emotion involved, it’s a genuine problem. Maybe this can be solved if you reach out to him with good communication and some guidance. But if not, you know where you stand. Don’t let him put his own selfish needs before yours. Physical affection is an important part of any close and intimate relationship.

Bread Crumbs Look Like a Meal When You’re Starving

Breadcrumbing is a behaviour in which one person provides just enough energy, time, attention, affection, or affirming words to another person to supply some elements of being in a relationship. The other person, though, is left wanting.

I’ve seen breadcrumbing described as a form of manipulation, and I agree. I don’t think it’s always deliberate or maliciously done- but regardless of the motive, it’s hurtful.

Some signs of breadcrumbing:

They talk to you when they need something — whether that is support, sex, or they’re bored. But they are rarely available when you need them.They tell you how much you mean to them, but there is little follow-through in making plans.They’re inconsistent, and their words rarely match their actions. The conversations often centre around them, their interests, and their desires. The conversations are predominately sexual (though not negotiated to be that way). You feel bad about yourself after talking to them or spending time with them.

People who value you don’t treat you in a way that makes you feel less than or worthless. They make you feel too needy or too much while also feeling like you’re not good enough. They suddenly become interested in what you have to say and what you’re up to once you begin to distance yourself from them.

Bread crumbs look like a meal when you’re starving (when you’re lonely) — because you think it’s better than nothing. You tell yourself that being seen and being wanted some of the time is better than being completely invisible.

But do they really see you? Do they want you?

We all have times when we are busy and bogged down with life. When we withdraw and are out of emotional bandwidth to be there for others- that’s understandable, and hopefully, if someone in your life is going through this, they’ll communicate and tell you that’s what’s going on.

But repeating behaviors and a pattern of breadcrumbing speak to how they feel and think about you.

Society often tells us that being alone is shameful. If we don’t have a partner then we must not be loveable or have value. It creates feelings of being unwanted. But being alone is not the same as being lonely.

What if I told you that creating boundaries for how others treat you, communicating what your needs and desires are, and what you will and will not accept from someone allows you to make the space in your life for someone who truly wants that space. It creates room for someone who does want to see you and spend time with you. Someone who will value your energy, support, and love.

It might take time to find them. I wish I could tell you the places you could go where you would be guaranteed to meet people like this — I don’t have the answers. Until then, fill yourself up on things that make you feel good about yourself, create joy and bring you a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.

You are worth more than breadcrumbs. You deserve a whole fucking five-course meal.

Don’t settle for crumbs.

Don’t let someone treat you like you don’t matter.

Because you do.

You matter.

The Dark

I feel the dark trying to overtake me
Trying to steal the light I’m finding.
Those dark whispers aren’t all right.
They can’t be all right.

But what if some of them are?
What if those really mean ones are?

That I’ll always be alone?
That I’m too damaged?
That I have too much work to do?
That I’ll never be pretty enough?
Funny enough?
Experienced enough?
Thin enough?

I know I’m ill today.
I know I’m hungry and thirsty
But those are bad plans while
Everything is so upset.
I’m exhausted and sore
Body and heartsick.

And then the whispers louder.
Not lies, the truth.
Not some, but all.
That I’ll always be crying alone
Comforting myself
Being strong
All by myself
In the dark.

All alone.
As always.
In the dark.

The struggle is real..

I’m literally a walking contradiction, I’ve had to be fiercely independent from a young age which over the years has made me build up this gigantic wall and never allow myself to rely on another person emotionally, financially and in general life and happiness.

On the flip side of this, I’m extremely needy, I crave affection, intimacy and love, and to be cared for when I most need it, This is where the struggle begins, how do you open yourself up to receive these things that you desire when your head won’t let you.

This contradiction is the hardest when I consider the kind of relationship that I want, how can I give myself to someone in a dynamic, how can I turn off that switch in my head to fully trust that they have my best intentions, how can I let my guard down to let them take care of me, how can you be your your most vulnerable self when you’re so used to doing it all on your own.

The struggle!! 😤

Silence should NOT be a weapon

I recently had an incident where I let someone down. It wasn’t intentional.

What I have received is the punishment of silence.

While in this instance it was a true misunderstanding, it triggered me into thinking about how many times in the past people have used their silence as a punishment for my actions.

When is it punishment versus needing space?

My situation helped illuminate this distinction in my mind perfectly, which is:

NEED FOR SPACE

communicated as such.They also inform their other of the general reason why they need space. The intention is for the person to come back in a better headspace to address the problem.

In other words – It’s for THEM and it’s POSITIVE.

PUNISHMENT

not communicated.Rarely EVER have I heard of someone announcing “I’m going to give you the silent treatment”, so taking that off of the table, you may get a quick “bye” or other indication that they’re not in a car accident.  However, you’re not informed of why the person left nor the purpose. You’re only informed that you’ve been given their silence.

In other words – It’s for YOU and it’s NEGATIVE.

Why is it so bad?

Let’s make a list!

The other person is now focusing on themselves rather than the problem they caused you and how to fix it. The other person is likely now angry themselves, creating two problems instead of one.  If the other person has fears of abandonment (which let’s be real is most of us), you’ve likely now triggered some anxiety and less rational thinking. The person now has an example of your anger having consequences that they can’t foresee or control. (also known as – they prooooobably gunna start hidin shit from you so you don’t get so mad.)  You’re causing them to fill in the gaps of what might be wrong.  Likely it’s way worse than what is wrong and it can create extreme anxiety.  So what should I do instead?

I’ve mentioned it above, but to reiterate, I am pro “taking space”. I do it a LOT. And it can be healthy.

When:

you communicate to the other person what’s happening.you communicate that you will and try to use that space as a way to focus on getting your own head straight and REDUCE tension, not add to it.you (at least somewhat) let them know the cause of your emotional state, or at minimum, that YOU’RE in an emotional state you want to change in yourself. That it’s not about THEM.  Moral of the story is

I believe everyone has ownership of their time and energy. They don’t need to let people in, particularly when they’re in a headspace that isn’t clear.

However, the above are signs of respect.

And if we’re talking about this happening with a partner or friend (which is the context I’m discussing, not random internet trolls), you showing respect to them to communicate your need and yourself by taking space is the best start to resolving the conflict.

Night

Here I sit alone in the darkness of the pre-dawn hour. Nightbird song fills the air breaking the silence. Around me is the frigid nips upon my bodysending shivers.

i am not afraid. The night has become my companion and calls to me. Wants of me what none is willing to give. The hunt…capture…feed…fill my waking dreams.

Yes the night…such an amazing bed fellow

To The Person Who Gives More Than They Get

I see you. You’re the one who thinks of everyone. Whether it be seeing something at the store and buying it for someone you know just because you know they’d love it or even something small like a good morning motivational text to your best friend.

You’re the person who goes out of their way to make sure everyone else is happy. Though the worst part of it is that majority of the time it doesn’t go both ways. But you, my God you have the biggest heart. The thing that you have to understand is that not everyone has the same heart as you.

Not everyone can be as caring and thoughtful as you. You give with everything in you. It can obviously be exhausting, you give and give and give. You’re going to feel drained, and I hate to say it but sometimes there’s not going to be anyone there to pick up the pieces, except you. Take yourself on dates, get a new hairstyle, buy that thing that you always wanted but convinced yourself you can’t afford. Go to that place where you’ve always wanted to go but said you’ve never had the time.

Love yourself, take the time to appreciate yourself because you are so amazing and you deserve it. Love yourself the way that you love others and maybe, just maybe, you’ll find someone who has a heart like yours. Never let that person go.

Givers and Takers

There’s usually a giver and a taker in a relationship. But what does that mean? And if you’re a giver, we’ll tell you how to stop so you can be happy.


Sometimes, first impressions can fool us. We meet someone who we think is amazing, funny, and kind when they’re really self-centered and narcissistic. Sure, we may see small signs of a taker in a relationship, but we’re so charmed by them that we ignore those red flags.


Of course, what happens is we end up getting sucked into a one-sided, unhealthy relationship. As you can imagine, we’re talking from experience. It happens to the best of us. It’s another lesson to learn.


But, what’s important to recognize is if you are in this type of relationship, irrespective of whether you’re the giver or taker. Because either way, help yourself and get out of unhealthy relationships.


What is a taker in a relationship?


In a relationship, there should be a perfect balance between giving to the other person and taking from them. However, this rarely happens.


Usually, the relationship is lopsided where one person is more of the taker and the other is more of a giver. The taker gets the energy and emotional investment of the giver. 


For example, a taker will sit back and let the giver do all the work in the relationship. Whether it’s cooking, cleaning, or something else, the taker doesn’t see any problem with it. They will also probably let the giver buy them things and take advantage of them financially too.


The bottom line is this – the taker takes advantage of the giver. They are ridiculously selfish.


What is a giver in a relationship?


The giver is convinced that there are no limits in love, so they keep giving to the taker. Sometimes a giver makes their partner the centre of their world and reason for living. They think they are everything they want and need. But this is very unhealthy.


The giver will do anything for the taker. They think this is the way they should express their love. However, they get nothing in return from the taker. 


The bottom line is this – the giver is too selfless and gets taken advantage of by the taker. And they end up being a doormat. 


Givers and takers as a couple


When you give someone a gift, it’s usually expected that they give one in return, right? Just like on Christmas or another holiday where gift-giving is normal.


This is how a healthy relationship should be – an equal balance of giving and taking.


There are some people who are just givers by nature. In other words, giving to other people is just part of their personality and how they prefer the dynamics of a relationship to be. They like to give because it increases their self-esteem and makes them more positive. It makes them happy. 


While this might sound good, sometimes the takers or “receivers” might feel pressured to give because the giver is constantly doing favours for them. Normal people would feel that way, but takers usually don’t.


If the taker never reciprocates, then the giver can find themselves in a situation where many of their actions aren’t valued or recognized.


Everything they invest in the relationship – time, affection, and energy will never be returned. And after a while, they feel like they are being used and their self-esteem actually goes down as a result!


The important thing to remember is that all healthy relationships have a sense of reciprocity.


15 signs of a taker in a relationship


If you’re a taker, you may not see this as an unhealthy relationship, but it is. Don’t you want to be in an equal and loving partnership? Relationships aren’t about having someone slave over you.


And if you’re a giver, don’t you want to be loved and treated with respect?


This is your chance to see if you’re either one of these types of people, so you can work on yourself and become a better and whole person.


Isn’t that what life is all about? Becoming the best version of you? Yes, it’s cheesy, but these cliché lines have a point to them.



So, are you a giver or a taker? 


1. The taker needs support but never gives


The beautiful part of a relationship is that you have someone who will support you no matter what, and vice versa. But in a give/take relationship, the support is only one-way.


The taker will ask and demand support for their partner, but will not provide support to their partner. 


2. The taker always must make the first move


One of the partners is always the person to make plans. The other partner will either accept the plan or not but never make the plan themselves. And this is a problem. As a couple, both people should make and talk about plans. One person cannot be waiting to see what’s going on.


3. The giver is a maid


Yes, the giver is a maid. As a taker, the taking partner is not into cleaning up after themselves because they have someone who does their dirty work for them.


For givers, they want to


please their partners. Sadly, this means the giver will literally do their laundry, even clean their partner’s bathroom.


4. The giver pays for everything


If someone is a taker, they won’t take their wallet out and pay for a meal or movie tickets. Why would they?


Everything has been handed to them on a silver spoon. They’re spoiled and entitled. As a giver, this person will be the one who’ll go broke to make the other person happy. 


5. The giver is never doing enough


If you’re a giver, you’ll never do enough for a taker. You could fly to the moon and back; that still wouldn’t suffice. Givers are never recognized for their effort.


Instead, the taker will manipulate them, making them do even more and more. Obviously, the giver will burn out with time. 


6. There’s a lot of double texting


Is someone in your relationship double texting all the time? Either way, it’s not a good sign. Someone who double texts their partner frequently does so because they’re not getting an answer.


If you’re not replying or taking 


If you’re not replying or taking hours to reply to your partner, it’s one of the clearest signs of a taker in a relationship and you’re not giving much attention to the needs of your partner. 


7. The taker doesn’t show much affection


Why would they show affection? They’re not appreciative of what their partner is doing. Instead, they make their partner feel like a slave.


If the giver wants affection, they must come and ask for it. That being said, it doesn’t mean they’re going to get any.


8. The taker never initiates sex


Again, why would they? They get everything they want without lifting a finger. Sex is a chore for them. And if the taker feels horny, then they’ll come and get what they want. But it’s always on their terms, and they’re never up to talking about it. 


9. Date night is a burden for the giver


It could be you or your partner, but there is one giver who needs to make date plans. They research and arrange everything, while the other person sits back and waits to be served. One of the two people obviously has it a lot easier than the other. 


10. The giver’s needs are ignored


We all have needs, whether we’re in a relationship or not. But, when you get into a relationship, sometimes your needs are overlooked. It happens, and that’s when you talk about it with your partner.


But a taker has no intention to focus on the giver’s needs in the relationship. They only want the giver to focus on their needs.


11. The giver spoils their partner with lavish gifts


We don’t want to say it’s all of the giver’s fault, but they don’t make the situation easier on themselves. The giver shows their partner that they love them. They buy expensive gifts to surprise them. And of course, the taker likes it.


But, if the person receiving the gifts unhesitatingly accepts any gift but never reciprocates the same gesture, it’s usually one of the clear signs of a taker in a relationship.


12. The taker needs the spotlight


It’s all about them. As a giver, you may have an issue you want to talk about or even something to celebrate, but your partner won’t let you have that moment.


A taker needs constant attention and will make sure the conversation is always centered around them.


13. The taker will never go the extra mile


A giver will surprise their partner with unexpected gifts and remember the small things going on in their partner’s life.


But the taker will never go the extra mile. If they do, their partner will always be reminded of it. It’s not something the taker will do naturally; rather, it’s strategically done. 


14. The taker uses their partner


This is essentially what it all comes down to. A taker in a relationship will suck out and drain all the goodness from their giving partner until they’re no longer needed or until the giver puts their foot down. The taker is really only available to their partner when they need something from them.


15. The taker thinks they’re a giver


The taker actually thinks very highly of themselves and twists the truth around in their head. They believe they’re God’s gift to this earth.


They make sure everyone is under the impression that they’re giving and kind when really, they’re just selfish and conceited. 


How to stop being a giver in a relationship


If you are the giver in your relationship and you feel like you’re being taken advantage of by a taker, here are some things you can do to make things better.


1. Stop doing things for them


It sounds simple, and it actually is. If you’re the giver in the relationship, just stop doing things for the taker. Stop doing the laundry, making their lunch, or rubbing their feet. Just stop. There is no reason you have to do these things. 


Hopefully, once you stop doing everything for the taker, they will notice. They might even get angry in the beginning and accuse you of being lazy or selfish. Just point out that you are just mirroring their own behavior. Then ask how they like it. 


2. Set boundaries


Have a talk with yourself and write down how far you will go with doing something. Sure, you can’t stop cleaning the house or cooking dinner. But, you can start only cleaning your own mess and making your partner clean theirs.


You have to set boundaries with a taker in the relationship, or else your partner will just keep walking all over you because you have none at the moment. 


3. Be selfish


Being selfish isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it can be self-love sometimes. When you give and give and give, you are depriving yourself of receiving things that you deserve. 


So, you need to start being more selfish. Once you love yourself enough, you will realize that you not only will start enjoying life more, you will be a lot happier too.


4. Learn to say no


“No” – it’s such a small word. But it has powerful implications in our life. When your partner tells you to do something for them, just say no.


Require more of your partner. Start telling them what to do. Demand more of them.


One of two things will happen. Either they will do it after seeing things from your perspective, and you’ll be happier. Or they don’t, and then you might want to think about ending the relationship for your own sanity.


After looking at the signs of a giver and taker in a relationship, where do you see yourself on the spectrum? Where do you see your partner? Self-reflect and make changes if necessary.

Am I Afraid?

Am I afraid of you?
Of what you can make me do
Your touch can weaken my legs
You grab me by the throat my heart skips and leaps
You whisper in my ear
The warmth of your breath sends chills down my spine

Am I afraid of you?
Craving you
Losing myself in you

NO, I’M NOT

I just know I have never felt this before
I know I have never been so free under your control.
Yet so safe to be my most honest self.

Maybe that is what I am afraid of…

2.56am

I’m drowning in unrequited love.
He consumes me entirely
I am his afterthought
But I cannot leave
My heart is stronger than my head
Because even when it breaks
And breaks
And breaks
It still beats for him
Still in love
Still consumed
Utterly

Being taken for granted..

Have you ever been taken for granted by the one you love. Did that break your heart?

It is a general human tendency to take people for granted who love and care for you. The more you give authority of your life to someone, the more you are taken for granted.

People don’t understand that even people who love you also have their limits. People take your efforts for granted not knowing that they will soon lose someone who could have done anything for them. It is obviously heartbreaking.

You put all your soul and heart into someone and If you don’t get the same in return, it’s definitely gonna affect you deeply.

This is a lesson I have learnt. Don’t be too much attached to someone.

Always have control of your mind and heart so that If someone leaves or changes, You can continue with your life.

Your Greatest Fan

When You are
Strong
Sick
Happy
Defeated
Content
Discouraged
Amused
Angered
Joyous
Fearful
Flirty
Disgusted
Loving
Tired
Romantic
Quiet
……………………….insert more here
I am your cheerleader. I will stand by your side to give you the things you need, the things you desire and crave. I will lift you up when you need help even when you won’t ask. I am your greatest fan!!

Lack Of Time, Lack of Effort

Recently, a good friend posed a question that really stuck with me:

“Are things that way because of a lack of time, or a lack of effort?”

Whether it be a friendship, relationship, or just being more organised at work, it is undeniable that all things in life require dedicated time. However, with this being said, time has become perhaps the biggest excuse for failure in our society.

“I didn’t have time for…”

“I’m too busy to do…”

Think about it, you can spend hours trying to be better, but if you aren’t focused during that time, it will all be useless. You could see someone every day, but without being intentional in that time, you’d still be no closer to them than the day you first met. It all comes down the effort you put in to the time that you get, and being deliberate about what you do with your time. Frankly, you have time for what you MAKE time for.

While there are lots important and fruitful things that take our time, like jobs, work, sports, and goals, it’s crazy when you stop and look at all the random places where we carelessly throw our time–we spend more time scrolling through Twitter, watching Netflix, napping (not hating on any of those, but they are time-suckers), than we do actually talking to or being with the people we care about. Time may sound nicer in an excuse, but 9 times out of 10, someone is really saying,

“I didn’t feel like…”

“I don’t care enough about that to…”

Interestingly enough, it seems that whenever someone is apologizing and saying, “I’m sorry, I just didn’t have time to…,” they almost always say the sentence in a rushed manner, as if they hardly have the time to even say their justification.

It is so important for people to put an effort into others. Especially the quieter, always-there-for-you type of friends, they tend to be taken for granted. These people won’t say a word, and will always be there when you need them, but will go for weeks feeling under-appreciated. A random encouragement is always nice, but that is worth very little when the next day, they still have the same neglectful treatment. You have to put a daily effort into the people you care about, and if they mean enough, I promise you, you’ll find the time.

I Fucking Crave You…

Tell me..

‘I want you
I need you
I fucking crave you
I can’t wait to get my hands on you
I need to run my fingers in your hair
I need to show you
I need your mouth
I need to fill you
I need you to kneel for me
I need you to show me your submission
I need you, all of you

I fucking crave you’

Sometimes I need to hear it.

Two Way Street?

I see you…
The side you show the world
And the one you hide.
I feel
The high and
Yes those dark lows.
I accept the whole
As it is all
You.

Can You see
The side i show the world
And the one i hide?
Do You feel
The high and
Yes those dark lows?
Have you accepted the whole
Of this that is
me?

Bread Crumbs Look Like a Meal When You’re Starving

Breadcrumbing is a behaviour in which one person provides just enough energy, time, attention, affection, or affirming words to another person to supply some elements of being in a relationship. The other person, though, is left wanting.

I’ve seen breadcrumbing described as a form of manipulation, and I agree. I don’t think it’s always deliberate or maliciously done- but regardless of the motive, it’s hurtful.

Some signs of breadcrumbing:

They talk to you when they need something — whether that is support, sex, or they’re bored. But they are rarely available when you need them. They tell you how much you mean to them, but there is little follow-through in making plans. They’re inconsistent, and their words rarely match their actions. The conversations often centre around them, their interests, and their desires. The conversations are predominately sexual (though not negotiated to be that way). You feel bad about yourself after talking to them or spending time with them.

People who value you don’t treat you in a way that makes you feel less than or worthless. They make you feel too needy or too much while also feeling like you’re not good enough. They suddenly become interested in what you have to say and what you’re up to once you begin to distance yourself from them.

Bread crumbs look like a meal when you’re starving (when you’re lonely) — because you think it’s better than nothing. You tell yourself that being seen and being wanted some of the time is better than being completely invisible.

But do they really see you? Do they want you?

We all have times when we are busy and bogged down with life. When we withdraw and are out of emotional bandwidth to be there for others- that’s understandable, and hopefully, if someone in your life is going through this, they’ll communicate and tell you that’s what’s going on.

But repeating behaviours and a pattern of breadcrumbing speak to how they feel and think about you.

Society often tells us that being alone is shameful. If we don’t have a partner then we must not be loveable or have value. It creates feelings of being unwanted. But being alone is not the same as being lonely.

What if I told you that creating boundaries for how others treat you, communicating what your needs and desires are, and what you will and will not accept from someone allows you to make the space in your life for someone who truly wants that space. It creates room for someone who does want to see you and spend time with you. Someone who will value your energy, support, and love.

It might take time to find them. I wish I could tell you the places you could go where you would be guaranteed to meet people like this — I don’t have the answers. Until then, fill yourself up on things that make you feel good about yourself, create joy and bring you a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.

You are worth more than breadcrumbs. You deserve a whole fucking five-course meal.

Don’t settle for crumbs.

Don’t let someone treat you like you don’t matter.

Because you do.

You matter.

Whispers and Words

Whisper in my ear.

Tell me all the depraved things you want to do to me.

Tell me how you would use my body for your pleasure.
Send shivers down my spine.

Make my skin prickle with excitement.

My mind can’t help but immediately picture these things.

But not only do I see them. I feel them.
You have no idea what they fucking do to me.

Your words. Fuck.
Your words.

I can feel the heat radiate through my body,
Without even touching me you could make my eyes flutter.

Your WORDS have so much more power than you think.

They can topple empires.
Move mountains.

But most importantly.
They can make someone’s knees weak.

It Goes Both Ways

If she trusts you enough to be on her knees for you, you should be willing to do the same.

Your little slut. Your bitch. Your whore. She trusts and loves you so deeply that she lets all of herself go.

She releases and becomes nothing just to feel something and gives you complete control.

Take care of her. Bathe her. Rub her feet. Make sure she eats. Make sure she is healthy. Happy. Satisfied.

Everyone’s version of happy, satisfied, and healthy is different (obvs) but take care of your other.

I know that I say “she” but this applies to all or no genders and everything in between. Take care of your person. Don’t watch them slip away.

Needy

For most of my life I have fought to not need. To stand on my own and sail through life with gratitude and grace. I have watched people who need someone in their life so badly that they accepted substandard treatment from their partner.

Boy was/am I the owner of a glass mansion.

Over the last few months I have been really seeking my own truth. The nuts and bolts of the who I am and why I do the things I do. This is an exercise on where I fit in life and lifestyle.

What I am finding is that I need to feel accepted by those I am engaged with…I know a huge shocker. This is with all levels of engagement. I am needy like a child.

Wanting to be known. Heard. Understood. Then when it comes to a partner, the sexual side can be part of it.

What is missing for this sapio/demisexual person is the cultivation of the heart and mind. My physical body responds to the mental and emotional energy given and received. I need this.

Damn it I am needy.

Listen

Listen to me.
Listen to the words I don’t say anymore.
See the words in my eyes, see the words written across my sad face.

Listen to me.
Listen to the feelings I don’t have anymore.
Miss the feelings that we don’t share, miss the feelings we can’t feel.

Listen to me.
Listen to the touch I don’t give anymore.
Feel the space and emptiness, feel the touch we no longer have.

See me.
See who I am.
See what I want.
See what I need.

Don’t keep me on mute.

Subject

In the end that’s all I was wasn’t it?
Your subject.

The subject of some cruel experiment.

You toyed with me.
With my emotions.
With my obedience.
My willingness to please.

We were never partners in this.
You never considered me worthy.

You were the king,
And I was just… your subject.

It Hurts To Be Alive and Obsolete

Often when men are attracted to me, they feel ashamed and conceal it.

They act as if it were ridiculous. If they do become involved, they are still ashamed and may refuse to appear publicly with me. Their fear of mockery is enormous. There is no prestige attached to having sex with me.

If they find themselves attracted to me, they turn those feelings into hostility and put me down.

Listen to me! Think what it is like to have most of your life ahead and be told you are obsolete! Think what it is like to feel attraction, desire, affection towards others, to want to tell them about yourself, to feel that assumption on which self-respect is based, that you are worth something, and that if you like someone, surely he will be pleased to know that. To be, in other words, still a living woman, and to be told that every day that you are not a woman but a tired object that should disappear. That you are not a person but a joke. Well, I am a bitter joke.

I am bitter and frustrated and wasted, but don’t you pretend for a minute as you look at me, old, fat, and looking exactly my age, that I am not as alive as you are and that I do not suffer from the category into which you are forcing me.

I need him…

With every fibre,
My soul calls to him,
In I need him… moments alone
It’s always him.

Being apart cuts like a knife,
The insecurities scream each in delight.
I’m no longer the only one,
Overthinking is life, is it done?

I close my eyes and I can feel him here,
His hands grab at my flesh, wanting to tear.

Marking my flesh with passion and pain,
This love will burn an eternal flame.

My soul feels like it’s clawing to get out,
It wants to be with him, not without.

His eyes roam over others, his hands may touch their flesh,
But will his soul speak to them like ours do, what a mess.

The distance I’d travel, no question to ask,
Circumstance fails us, not my love.

Once again I have to ask, in these dark moments,
AM I ENOUGH. WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH?

Overthinking…

Insecurity creeps in. It’s in stealth mode. It’s upon you before any signs are given.
It over throws you. It’s strength greater than your own.

It tackles you to the ground. And it all turns to black.
You’re alone in a dark room. All your fears, jealousy and weaknesses are before you.

The sickening feeling overwhelms you again. The weight in your stomach pulls you under the waves and you are now drowning.

You fight for air. A moment of respite. Split second of calm.

The sobs wrack your body. You can’t control them. You have no control here. You can’t hold it together. You are broken before all.

Overthinking, overthinking, overthinking….

The cycle of my life. I will overthink each and every little thing no matter how minuscule. There’s no stop button.

I live the situations over and over in many different ways, always me on the back foot. Is it real or a figment of my overthinking imagination?

The more broken you become, the weaker you feel, you feel closer to something unexplainable.

As the pain starts to lessen you feel a wall building. A safety net is starting to weave around your soul.

Your inner being is protecting you. You are protecting yourself. Closing you off.

Until the next time……

I am but a mere human…

I am human. I have human emotions.

I am an empath. I feel things stronger than most. When you love me I feel like I’m drowning in that bliss, when you hurt and use me I feel like death is keeping me alive just to make me suffer more for him.

I wish there was an off button and if you find a way to stop feeling I will gladly do it. Walls can’t be built quick enough. Human weakness.

As a mere human I break. I break faster than most. It’s a flaw. It’s a weakness. I am full of those. It’s a tasty joint of ham for the wolves to descend in their sheep clothing. I fall for it every time.

Leave her and set free the beast…

Come to me…. Leave her behind. Crawl into my bed, and curl around my warm body. Feel me arch back into you. Let it stir past sensations. Let yourself grow big at the thought of me clenching tight around you, drinking every last drop you have.

Let me degrade myself for your pleasure in ways she can’t. Let me serve those darkest needs for you.
Let us share our darkest desires.

As the beast inside awakens to its preys scent. The shift is apparent. The tightening around my wrist as you flip me around.

We are now face to face.
Prey meets beasts.
The fear. Excitement. Adrenalin coursing through us.
You illicit that growl and my body quivers.

My body aches to be touched by you.
I whine and mewl.
I’m like a bitch in heat for your touch. For you.

I want you. I need you. Tell me you feel the same. Show me you do.

Let our love burn it all to the ground. Let it engulf us. Just for this moment at least. If that is all you can give me. Give me this moment.

Leave her behind…. Just for this moment.

…one of many…

He was cruel to her but covered it in sweet caressing words. He broke her heart over and over and blamed her for it each time. She gave herself and her love, for it to be used and then discarded time and again.

Her body used and enjoyed in the moment then once again a stranger in a crowd.

How many times could she glue the pieces back? How much longer could she survive this cruel love?

She woke the morning after, a smile once again in her heart. Flutters of love and joy. Sore from the toils of passion. Each ache made her smile.

She started her day with heart both breaking and fulfilled.

The clouds had started forming which should’ve been the omen needed to pre warn her of the pain he was yet again going to unleash on her. Each time she thought “this time is different”. A fool is what she was. His fool. His tool. His free ride.

As she flicked through her usual routine of checking the news and media. There it was. The pain. Black and white and for all to see her as the fool she was.

It would never be just her. She would never be enough. How many more tears could she spill. What more could she do to be enough. How her heart shredded as one of many. Her emotions played with like a toy. Her love used against her.

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return”- Eden Ahbez.

When love is one sided, one can describe it as a hellish feeling. Of having your soul dragged down by the hounds of hell themselves.