I Am More

The silence is deafening
Even the wind has hushed
No words spoken
No voices heard
What did I do?
Or was it that I didn’t?
I’m worth more
I deserve more
I AM MORE

What I am Not

• A fucking afterthought.
• A side piece.
• A person to use and abuse emotionally.
• A toy.
• A patient person (in regards to getting replies to texts).
• An idiot.
• Unobservant.
• A punching bag.
• An afterthought. I know I said that but it’s big.

Things I am

• A human being with real emotions, real thoughts, real dreams, real wants and needs.

• Intelligent.

• Clever.

• Creative.

• Caring and loving.

• Funny.

• A damn priority.

WORTH IT.

Can’t Sleep

Every time I close my eyes, I think of kissing, touching, biting, lips, tongues, hands, belts, hair pulling, growls, nerves in the pit of my stomach, our bodies clashing, your strength and my softness.

Oh please I’m begging. Can’t focus.

I wish so many things…

To Be Yours

Alone, here – thinking, wanting, daydreaming…focused on you.

My mind filled with intense devotion…focused on you.

My thoughts slowed, reflections – you are with me everywhere.

It is intense this desire to serve, to connect, to just be.

This feeling you evoke…
The surrender calling to me..the need growing ever stronger.

As my heartbeats grow quicker, your grip grows more powerful.

Am I, Can I, Will I – ever be enough.
Fighting it, creating pain.
Surrendering, relaxing.

Your touch in my soul.
Your voice caressing my body.
Your grin creating tingles on my skin.
Your words in my heart.

Surrendering.
My focus shifted.
I give it to you – it was always yours to take.

What will you choose…am I to be or not to be…

Yours?

I WISH

I wish you loved me the way I love you.

I wish I could be your shelter When the storms hit.

When you’re tired of people. Tired of yourself. Tired of being.

I wish you sought refuge in me.
But you don’t.
And it breaks me.

And maybe it’s selfish of me to want that.

But if I can’t help, what good am I?

Used and Abused Heart

He just likes the attention you give but refuses to claim you as his.

You’re a warm body to waste time with. You gave him your heart and he squeezes it in his hand testing its tenderness.

Claim That Girl!!

If she saves your texts so that she can read them later when she misses you…claim that girl.

If she’s independent, strong minded, fiercely driven but still sweet with her words and touch…claim that girl.

If she has given to you all that you have asked of her, no questions asked…claim that girl.

If she has given you her mind, body and soul, surrendered her control, worn your marks with pride…OWN that girl.

I’m Always Here

Another night woken, the sweat pours off me and my heart beats out of my chest.

In my dreams I plead with you to love me.
I plead with you not to give up on me.
I plead with you to see me, really see me.

Please be gentle. Please, don’t be angry at me anymore. Please, I know who you really are deep down and it’s not this. You’re not this person.

Three words.
I need you.
What’s more, I wished you needed me too.

You’ve let yourself become cold and distant to the world and it pains me. I don’t want that for you, I want so much more for you.

I love you.

Three words,
Which are almost meaningless to you now.
But I still try, I try to remind you…
You’re never alone.

I’m always here.

His Lighthouse

I love him.
I love him with all my heart and
I am not afraid or shamed to say it.

I love him on my good days and bad.
Through my laughter and sorrows.
I love him without condition or consequence.

I love him because my heart and soul is drawn to his aura.
With a familiarity and purpose unfathomable.

My heart aches.
My soul weeps.
When he is not with me for he is my constant.

When everything changes constantly.
My lighthouse in the ever changing tides of my daily existence.

I miss him as one would a limb.
A dull numb phantom ache
In the space he occupied in my life.

He is my flame.

Will he come back to me?
I not am sure of it.
Or he will beckon me to him.

Whrn he tells me to and I run, I don’t walk to him.
I break into a long strided sprint
straight into his strong and capable arms.

Arms I yearn for in his absence.
I helped him however I could
in every capacity I could.

He sensed my pain.
My hurt.
He knew I was bleeding a slow death.

He has ghosted me.

We have a pull. A back and forth.

Will I be here when he comes back? If he comes back?
Yes of course I will.
For perhaps I am his lighthouse.
Through his life’s storm.

The Longing For Something Lost

I breathe in deeply. Savouring the feeling. The moment to mark all moments has come.

Everything I endured in life finally makes sense. In that one realization, the acceptance in knowing that pours in. The willingness to finally let it all go.

I’ll exhale in a few seconds, I’ll exhale and just like that I’ll be forever changed.

I’ll emerge baptized by your touch, in the hands that cause such exquisite pain, such exquisite pleasure,
renewed
at peace
finally, finally
finally free,
and I’ll drop to my knees,
bask in the warmth of your care,
offering myself humbly,
because of who you are,
and who I will be,
and all the beautiful moments like this we create together.

But I wake up from this dream and you’re gone.

I breathe in deeply.
Savouring the memory, and memories of times like it, everything is so much different now.

It would be easy to lose myself in reminiscing.

I wish that I could go back to the moments I felt happy, when loneliness was just a word and not something that gripped my heart.

When it didn’t turn my dreams to nightmares, or have me listen to the clock tick by in the dark, counting the hours until morning- when the world finally wakes and I can have some company, besides the beating of my own heart.

My heart sounds so damn loud in the silence.
I’m tangled up in the bedsheets in my empty bed,
I reach out but no one is there to reach back, you’re not here.

Sometimes I feel so fragile,
breakable like glass,
but I know deep down I am so much stronger than I seem and in moments when it feels like the longing for you, and the ache inside my heart will be the end of me.

I remind myself of my strength,
that the sun will rise with a new day, and the loneliness I feel won’t last forever.

The longing I feel won’t last forever.
It just can’t.

It won’t…
nothing lasts forever.

Hurtful

Why do people choose to hurt others? Not in the hitting and bruising way, I know about that and that is intimate not hurtful.

In the emotional heart bruising way.

Why do they choose to do all the things that keep you hurt and stuck instead of the one thing that would let you go?

The way to move forward is with kindness not hideous humiliating silence.

Silence keeps it all going, keeps the mental conversation going round and round when all you want to do is smile and be nice.

To just know that everything is fine and no one dislikes anyone.

Everyone is worth a hug except me it would seem?

I think I am worth words and eyes?

How can you ever possibly be sure things are ok unless you see their face, see them smile and hear their warmth?

I am an adult and I want adult resolutions is that too much to ask for? – yes I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️
Please stop being hurtful.

I Love, Deeply

There’s not a sufficient combination of cosmological constants to quantify the feeling that I’m feeling.

Nor syllables and soliloquies that could be spoke by the human tongue to express what my mind is trying to fathom.

This gargantuan task of forming a relatively sensible understanding of YOU or what you do to me. I’ve never had this and I certainly don’t want to lose it, not ever, because what you are is made of star stuff, impossibly beautiful, elusive and the beginnings of my universe.

I’d move mountains and walk through the caves of giant’s just to show you there’s no obstacle, no force, that could keep me from you.

If only you actually cared. I know you don’t. I know that you see others.

My heart is so sad.

Do I ever say thank you?

Do I ever say thank you for fucking me so hard that I can’t even speak?
Do I ever tell how much I trust you to hurt me? Physically at least.

Do I ever tell you how much I love you and the kinky, sick, fucked-up things we do?

Do I ever say the words you want me to hear?

Of course I don’t, because you’ve fucked me too hard physically and mentally to speak.

And that’s your fault. Reciprocate a bit.

Please?

What you deserve

You deserve a man that doesn’t tear apart your body.

Or joke about it.
Or make little small statements and when you say wait, wait, that hurt me, they look confused, they call you crazy.

You deserve something better than that.

You deserve someone who asks how you are, how your day has been. Someone who puts in the effort you put in.

Even if you have forgotten.
Even if you don’t quite know.

Because darling,
My darling,
I’ve been there too. I’m there now.

And I know how those small comments – ‘your thighs are so jiggly!’ Or ‘I liked you better when you were younger’ Or ‘I think you’d look so great if you lost a few pounds.’ – how those can stick with us.

And sink into us.
And sink us.

Especially when some small corner of our heart believes them true,
And the person speaking is meant to be someone who is our friend or cares for us in some way.

Especially then.

So today, let me be the voice of someone who has felt those stings and lost herself and who has felt and still feels unworthy and less than.

Let me tell you this:

You are worthy of infinite kindness.
Your body is not the punchline of a joke.
Your shape is not deserving of criticism,
And you are not full of flaws.

You deserve love.
Real love.
Powerful love.
In a way that lifts you up, not tears you down.

You deserve that person who messages just to say hi because they were thinking of you and your smile. You deserve the person who wants you to text when they get home so you know they are okay. You deserve the person who checks in with you to see you are okay.

And you deserve it today.
Right now.
Always.
x

Secrets

She has secrets. Many deep, dark and wonderful secrets. But she also carries trauma, sadness, loneliness and grief. Pain born from mistreatment, loss and love gone wrong. Pain from the self doubt that has seeped into her bones and embedded itself into her daily life.

Give her a gift that isn’t material. A gift that is priceless. Give her your attention. Earn her trust.

That’s what forges the most intimate of bonds. A bond that becomes forever. Everlasting.

She wants you to listen. To absorb. To understand. To empathise.
She wants to feel a deep connection with you. A connection so deep that she can relive her past, in order to process and overcome the issues that handcuff her to her past.

She wants to connect with you and lean on you for support as she unpacks her past grief, her past traumas. That world of memories that she had locked away to protect herself.

Memories that anchor her down from moving forward and discovering a beautiful life that she can enjoy.

She wants you to hold her accountable when self pity kicks in. To make her realise that she is backsliding as she chooses the comfort and easy way of letting old habits kick in. Anger. Self doubt. Negativity. Blame.

Take the time to understand her. Become intimate with her on a level so intense that it goes beyond lust, sex and physical pleasure. A level where bonds form, trust is procured and connection occurs.

A place where she can feel accepted and understood. Safe and secure. A place where she can learn to look back and reflect.

A place where she can begin to process her fears, her trauma, her grief.

Where she can slowly unpack her past and purge. To understand the moments embedded in her journey that anchor her with negativity.

Connection. A gift that will last forever.

I Love You

This isn’t something we haven’t heard before or don’t even know.

Sometimes we need a reminder….

If you love someone, tell them. Don’t wait for the right time, there will never be a more perfect time than now, in this moment, amongst the uncertainty and chaos, between the what if’s and could of been.

It’s now or never. Your courage is standing tall and ready to scream at the top of your lungs, I love you. Don’t let doubt or insecurity whisper in your ear “you’re not good enough” “they won’t love you back.” Take the chance before it’s taken from you.

Love should be easy
Love should be simple
But, it isn’t
Love isn’t safe, it’s taking that first leap off an unknown cliff without fear of consequences, it’s walking right into a tornado not knowing if you’ll be ripped to shreds or if you will even survive.

It’s surrendering your vulnerable heart time and time again, knowing it can potentially break over and over and be forever changed. If anything this last year and especially these last few months have reminded me.

So many wish they had the opportunity to say those three small words just one more time.

Like saying them a million times would ever be enough. Almost if you could, it would somehow make everything wrong suddenly be alright. One more moment no matter how small could somehow change everything. Those words are obviously the one thing most regret not saying enough. The time is here and now.

Show it
Say it
Whisper it
Scream it
Just do it….I fucking love you…it really is that simple

Your pleasure is my pleasure

My greatest pleasure is my partner’s pleasure.
Lots of people say this, I can’t assess their intentions and so I don’t know if they mean what I mean.

If I had to boil my kinks down, I’d say making my partner happy is my sole kink. There’s shit I like, sensations that are more fun than others, and a certain way I like being spoken to. But I promise you, hearing my partner moan or smile at me during sex gives me a high like no other.

Exploring someone’s body to find their sensitive parts and then watching them squirm makes me smile . My favourite part of having sex with a person is finding a way to bring them increased pleasure.

I’d argue I model myself after my partner’s preferences. It could be close to bimbos and being made into a caricature of my partner’s ideal toy. Maybe that’s why I love being “made into a sex toy” or being told my sole purpose is to please my partner.

It’s the act of providing pleasure to another person that really lights me up inside.

It goes farther than a sexual thing though. I adore people who have far more knowledge than me in different subjects.

A person’s passion; their knowledge; their ability to share that is wonderful.

I adore people who are passionate but even more so adore those who are knowledgeable. I should say it isn’t elitism, though a bit of ableism and classism probably exists there. I understand that formal education is a privilege and time to devote to your own betterment is also a privilege. I totally get that lots of people are exhausted from everyday life and working an insane number of hours that they do not have the physical, mental, or emotional capacity to engage with knowledge. I do not fault anyone for this. I’d also raise the point that knowledge of anything intrigues me. Friends who are parents tell me things about babies and shit and I love it!

Engineers talk about circuits, electricity, and even brick and mortar. I love hearing about people’s jobs and the intricacies that their work involves.

Anyways, knowledge is hot and if someone tells me about their interests then I will do research on them. I’ll try to get the basics so I can further understand them but also ask them questions with deeper meaning than just surface-level interest. I want to have conversations with them that excite them. I love to see them light up when sharing their enthusiasm for something. I try my best to be an engaged and interested listener.

I’ve found myself picking up skills and interests from different people in my life. I watch TV shows because someone else loves them, I’ve purchased books just to discuss an author with someone, I listen to a band’s entire discography to discuss the nuances between their albums, I’ve played games to watch my friends utterly destroy me. I’m moulded by other’s interests and choices.

That kind of sounds bad. Like I have no interests or passions of my own…

All this to say, I find myself moulded by other’s choices because I enjoy seeing them happy. People tend to find more pleasure in things when they’re shared with those they love, not everyone but most people I’ve encountered.

Would it surprise you if I said I found BDSM the same way? I pursued kink because I wanted to feel closer to someone and then here I am. Without them, still investing and learning about something I had little interest in before I met them.

Whatever it is, I show up as their fantasy. Something they want.
Does that mean I don’t show up as myself? I model myself solely on traits others will find attractive. I’ve pondered these questions plenty of times.

I like it when other people are happy. I derive pleasure from other people’s pleasure. Is that so wrong? I’d try anything twice to satisfy someone I care about. I’ll step outside of my comfort zone to see someone else smile. I’m moved to extreme acts of compassion for those around me.

I could listen to their increased breathing, the slight hitch in their throat, the soft pants or moans forever. I could feel their hips buck, their muscles tighten, their face flush, and feel satisfaction like no other.

My kink is being in the presence of someone else’s happiness. It’s their smile. Their voice raising when they’re caught up in thought. The intensity in their eyes. Their expertise on anything, even things I have an intimate knowledge of. I adore electricity that is exchanged between individuals even if I have no spark of my own to share. I love being trusted with a part of this person.

I will go out of my way to do things that bring someone else joy. I’ll stop at the store and pick up your favorite food item just because. I didn’t need to go to the store but for you, I’d go to a million. If someone says they’re hungry I take us out and I won’t eat. I wasn’t hungry but you were and I wanted to help you. I love making someone’s favorite food and giving it to them, especially when it’s a food I don’t eat. I like doing things to see other people be happy. But don’t get it twisted. It’s a selfish act. I do it because I love other people’s happiness. I do it because it brings me joy to see you be joyous.

I want to make someone laugh to hear their laughter, not because I’m trying to cheer them up. I derive pleasure from other people’s pleasure. And so, I seek out opportunities that bring pleasure to other people but for my own benefit.
I am terribly selfish.
I should highlight I have interests of my own.

There are topics I could talk about for hours. I have strong opinions on many things that are based on fact, and some based solely on emotion. I understand that I do not exist to please other people. I hope I’m a fully developed human being. Please do not be concerned about me, or if this writing alarmed you do not worry.

Focusing on your partner isn’t a bad thing. Focusing solely on your partner to avoid confronting your own feelings is bad. Co-dependency, or adjusting your behaviour based on your partner’s emotions because you think managing other people is your job is also not great.

Do you even know me?

What grips me, while everyone else moves on?
What do I do when I’m all alone?

Yes, you’ve seen me naked, wearing only skin.
Yes, you’ve also watched me as you slide in.

Yes, we’ve been face to face, your hands in mine.
Yes, you’ve marked me and your bruises shine.

What makes me feel the most free?
Do you know what you do to me?

Do you even know me?

Never settle for less than you deserve.

Think about what you consider the bare minimum to be and if you are truly content with that.

Also think about what you want him to do more of. Maybe to be more affectionate? Maybe to take you out to places ? Define what it is you want of the relationship and communicate with him. If he is dismissive and if he doesn’t try and understand even after telling him then maybe that’s a sign that he’s not the person you want to settle with.

In no particular order, just a few key things…

Respect.

Not putting pressure on someone to do things they don’t want to or can’t. Not having high demands and pressures on someone. Understanding they are their own person and have their own life and needs and wants. Sometimes accepting they won’t do things the way you want or may have different expectations.

Kindness.

Just being kind and caring. Being there for them in both the happy and sad times. Not judging. Not criticising. Just doing nice things because you want them to be happy.

Communication.

Being honest and open. Keeping in touch. This is different for everyone so doesn’t have to be daily texts, video calls or regular meetings. As long as both feel their communication is healthy. Replying and truly listening to the other person. Not blowing them off.

Similarity.

Some form of common interest, mindset or passions. Something usually draws two people together. They might seem like opposites in many areas but usually some thing like sense of humour or mind set keeps a good connection if it’s similar.

Stop Bending over Backwards.

Relationships are about each person giving 100 percent.  If you recognize you are the only one doing the giving, then this is a sign that your investment is not being honoured and may need to be given to someone who will value the effort to your commitment.

Require Quality Communication.

Accepting vague text messages and no phone calls will not encourage intimacy and won’t do anything to improve your love life. In person or phone contact is the only way to foster a caring connection. One needs in person cues and the tone of one’s voice to discern nuance with communication.

Make Sure Their Words and Actions Align.

You know you settled for less in your love life if you’ve accepted that your partner, doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. Integrity means being straightforward with no hidden agendas. For a foundation of trust to develop words must match behaviour. Anything less will make you doubt intensions and enabling this behaviour will erode your self worth.

Discuss What Hurts You.

If you do not make attempts to correct hurtful behaviours, then the other person is unaware they are hurting you. If you do make attempts to share your feelings and are unheard, then your feelings are not valued.  You have to decide to leave or stay because this is what you can expect in the future.

Because…

It’s okay if you’re the one who loves more and cares more, the one who’s always deeply in love and gets attached easily. Don’t you dare apologize for it.

Remember, it’s not your loss. But at the same time, you should never let yourself be in those situations again. Never ever settle for less.

You deserve so much better. You deserve so much happiness in this world. You deserve the love you keep trying to give to everyone.

You deserve to be loved by a man who has enough courage to meet your efforts and meet you halfway. You deserve someone who can give you the assurance you’ve always wanted to hear, who doesn’t make you second guess their love for you.

You deserve to be fought for by the man who’s brave enough to introduce you to his family, friends, and colleagues. No one deserves to be loved by a coward.

You deserve a man who is 100% sure about you. The man who will do anything just to prove his love to you and is always ready to take risks just to be with you.

You deserve to be with someone who will never put himself in a position to lose you. Darling, you deserve to be cared for. You deserve someone who will never ever take advantage of you.

If you’re lucky enough, you get to find a man who will love you more than you love him.

Someone who never gets tired of showing his love for you, someone who can’t resist talking to you after a fight.

You deserve someone who supports you on everything you want to do. Someone who’s willing to drown himself into the depths of your soul.

Someone who fully accepts all of you. Someone who enjoys your madness, and is always ready to hear your thoughts.

Someone who can calm you when you’re having a mental breakdown, someone who you can vent to about your family problems or your job.

Someone who you can cry on, not someone who will make you cry.

Someone who will never leave you when your demons, depression, and anxiety hits you.

Someone who listens and understands you.

You deserve someone you can be witty with, someone who can deal with with your jokes and sarcasm.  You deserve someone who will love you with every piece of his heart. 

We all deserve that kind of love. When you finally realize your self-worth, you’ll never allow yourself to be treated poorly again.

It’s not about how high your standards are, because if a man wants you enough, he’ll prove it. Half-love isn’t love — either it’s all or nothing. 

Will you please stop with the games and be that someone?

FUCK

I want see you.

And hug you.

And kiss you.

And make you smile. and make you laugh. and just lie on the sofa next to you. and then just fall asleep beside you.

It would be nice.

I’m Always Here

Another night woken, the sweat pours off me and my heart beats out of my chest.
In my dreams I plead with you to love me.
I plead with you not to give up on me.
I plead with you to see me, really see me.
Please be gentle. Please, don’t be angry at me anymore. Please, I know who you really are deep down and it’s not this. You’re not this person.
Three words.
I need you.
What’s more, I wished you needed me too.
You’ve let yourself become cold and distant to the world and it pains me. I don’t want that for you, I want so much more for you.
I love you.
Three words,
Which are almost meaningless to you now.
But I still try, I try to remind you…
You’re never alone.
I’m always here.

A wish..

Wishing I could fall asleep in your arms. Hearing and feeling your heartbeat against my ear.

Your arms wrapped tightly around me, making it the calmest and quietest place, build like a fortress. Feeling safe, protected and loved.

One day maybe…

Sweet Talk and Ugly Honesty…

I’m a moody bitch. When I say “moody” I don’t mean angry or that I cry a lot, neither are true.

I mean that I’m intense. I’m intensely sensitive, intensely loving, intensely protective and I get intensely hurt. I guess I’m passionate with a side of sarky git.

I’m a big mess of feelings crammed into a mouthy, spicy little meatball.

Now I recognize that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and that’s ok.

I’ve wandered this earth for a fair old while and I know I’m my own flavour. If you dislike it, then you do. I hate olives and celery.

Ok I digress…
I love making connections. It warms my cold heart to find people who care and walk their talk while at the same time, have fun banter and generally good conversation.

Now I’m not the best at small talk. I don’t loathe it. I do try. It happens but I don’t excel.

People might say “how’s it going?” and they’re looking for the sexy “oh I’m just sitting here plugged and ready” or the “I’m digging through my 500 pieces of lingerie to find the best see through piece to try on for pics” or “I’m stellar and you?”… but they get “well I’m tired because I couldn’t sleep yet again”, “my back hurts” or “I’m frustrated with work and life”.

But if you want to know the truth, I prefer that which is why I’m honest.

They might get the “I’m great! Guess what?” then a rambling story with all the giggles and eye rolls.

I like when people tell me how they are. I don’t need sweet talk to like them. Of course I love when people say nice things but only, only if they’re being honest.

Otherwise please save it.
I actually need the opposite. I need honest, ugly, gritty authenticity. I need funny, real, goofy stories. I need humility and genuineness.

Without it, I can’t open up. Without it, I have no impetus to try. Without it I’m hesitant, uncertain and skeptical.

I ask myself “what do they want from me?” and “why do they always appear gregarious, horny and giddy?”

It’s unreasonable. I don’t trust it.

I love real. So if you choose to engage with me, please bring your honest self, klutziness, embarrassing moments, sadness, hurt, elation, and happiness in all it’s fucked up beautiful glory because I simply love it!

Why do we still respect and love people who treat us like shit?

Usually a relationship or a strong feeling for someone develops before the mistreatment begins, so your attachment is hard to break, even if you cognitively understand the other person is not treating you well.

We don’t often fall in love with, befriend, or spend time with people who make us feel terrible from the get-go. We might be lured in by who that person is in the beginning, only to discover later that they aren’t treating us well.

But after developing positive memories, cultivating a love for that person, and ultimately living our lives with the expectation that they will be in it, it’s incredibly hard to just cut ties. Even if the other person has ceased to be who we thought they were.

You loving this person speaks to your ability to feel, and feel deeply, for others.

Being able to articulate that they aren’t treating you well shows that you know what you’re worth.

Ultimately, don’t be hard on yourself for still feeling love for them- this love began for a reason, and likely not for the mistreatment you’re enduring right now.

Always remember that you don’t need to settle for anything less than good treatment from the people you allow into your life.

Sometimes we hold onto a person even when they’ve become toxic for us, because we are hoping that if we just show them how devoted we are and suffer through the bad times, we will have our love reciprocated.

However, we cannot expect from someone what they have shown us they are unable to give.

Basically, I just want you to know that you’re not alone in loving someone who has proven they don’t know how to properly treat you. And I want you to know that no matter how easy it might be to think, “okay, I shouldn’t love them if they make me feel poorly, right?” it is infinitely harder to take powerful feelings, in this case love, and try to push them aside. Hang in there, and know that you can and will have better from the people who deserve you in your life.

You may need support you as you begin the process of disentangling yourself from this person who has caused you pain despite your feelings. All at your own pace.

Because they’re using your emotions to control you. When people are emotionally reactive, they can be convinced of almost anything.

When someone intentionally disrespects you, they are trying to get something from you. Sometimes what they are trying to get is your affection.

If you give it to them, you don’t earn their respect; instead, they become certain you don’t deserve respect, and will disrespect you even further.

They are getting what they want and they’re not planning to stop. You’re responding emotionally to them, and confusing that with affection. It’s not.

Hollywood uses this trope of the powerful career woman who ends up falling in love with the disrespectful asshole by the end of the movie. In the end, he respects her for giving in.

Yeah, that’s not the way it works in real life.

When you know better, this is very uncomfortable to watch.
Not only for the fictional characters in the movie, but for the real human audience who is rapidly becoming convinced this is the way it’s supposed to be. Don’t forget that movies are fiction. They are scripted to make you feel something so you will believe the message they send.

We are attracted to people who disrespect us because movies have taught us that is how it works. In real life, it’s not.
In real life, the person who disrespects you will abuse you if you fall for their game.

Hopefully you don’t have to experience that painful lesson too many times before you figure it out.

Never Be

I’ll never be the escort you love to stare at and sext.

I’ll never be that porn star you wish you were fucking.

I’m never gonna be that size 10 Barbie that catches your eye.

What I will be is the one who accepts you, flaws and all.

I’ll be the one who is there for you during great times as well as troubling times.

I’ll be your partner and best friend.

The one you can always count on.

Just give us an opportunity.

I Loved You

I loved you without cause, or reason, or doubt.

I loved you to the edge of what my soul could endure and then I loved you just a little bit more.

I loved you beyond measure, beyond hope and beyond all sense of rationality.

I loved you until the light had gone, until the years had gone and until my tears had all but drowned me.

I loved you until it ruined me; like an ancient temple I stood, abandoned and forgotten before finally caving under the sheer weight of time. And in the end it changed nothing – all that love…

For here I was, dying for you until my spirit was weary.

And there you were, living your life.

Blissfully unaware.

Be Natural

Never be embarrassed by what you desire, nor what comes naturally.

Always embrace those needs and allow them to surface and evolve, rather than confining them to an impenetrable prison within…

Live free. Love openly.

Lust hard. Learn about yourself. Allow yourself to evolve. Embrace what comes.

Always

I adore you. 

Your satisfaction is my happiness, you are everything to me, you are the focus of my soul and there aren’t enough words or actions for me to be able to show you how much I appreciate you.

You fill me with a deep sense of care and value. Please believe this. I want to make YOU happy. Don’t throw this away.

Last

I don’t think I’ve ever felt like someone’s priority. I feel a bit like the last option often.

It would be nice to feel a little higher up the list to someone and feel special!

Damn You

You’ve ruined my nights. I wake in the small hours, my mind filled with swirling disoriented thoughts of you, your hands, your body. All crushing me, filling me, hurting and rebuilding me.

Anticipation, lust, dread, desire overwhelming my sleep. My body is hot and unfulfilled and I can’t sleep.

Is this the torture started already? Destroying my sleep, my mind, my body so when we meet I’m already wrecked because of you? You already control me? Are you this good?

Or is this me, destroying myself. Killing myself slowly with lustful greed and impatience to have you on me, in me, controlling me?

I don’t know. But it’s because of you, this slow descent, this abandoning, these sleepless nights.
Damn you.
Thank you.

YOU ARE

You are
My first thought when I wake, my want to send good morning text, my smile while I stretch, the perfect start to the rest of the day.

You are
My inspiration to write, the dirty thoughts that occupy my mind, the blush brightening my cheeks, the man behind the stories.

You are
The light in my dark, my distraction from the demons, my saviour during the long days and sleepless nights, the one who chases away the negativity.

You are
My weakness, talking to you, listening to you, feeling you, you have what I want, what I need, what I desire….to taste, smell, fuck, hold you, all of you.

You are
My teacher, your words build me up, challenge me, you invoke thought and invade my mind, you excite my soul when you speak.

You are
My refuge, from the storms, the darkness, the uncertainty, my safe place, warm embrace, kind word, my hope.

You are
My human, my friend, for a minute, a month, or forever, just grateful to have you now, in any capacity, in any form, no expectations or pressure, not worrying about tomorrow, to just breathe and laugh until it ends.

You are
A memory, a moment in time, a feeling I can’t let go, I still see you when I wake, I write about you, wish you were here so I could help you fight your demons, you are still my biggest desire, the best thing in my life, I wish I had those moments once again.